Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Yeah, lame I know. I just posted a few hours ago and here I am again. Oh well! I actually do have something else to do but obviously I'm not doing it yet.

I finished the book about the geisha. The story was so poignant that I was practically in tears by the last page of it (not really. I never cry, right? This is the cold hearted bitch, after all..) and it had an unexpectedly happy ending. All through the book I kept shaking my head and thinking, 'man...I can relate to this, but she's nuts, this is never going to work...' and then, in the last four or five pages, it all works out perfectly. So you can imagine just how pissed I was to discover that it is apparently a novel and not based on any true occurences, despite the so-called 'translator's note' in the introduction saying that he'd tape recorded the reminiscenses of an elderly geisha. The story was incredibly convincing, and when I found out i'd been duped, well....I wasn't happy about it, that's all. It's still a good read. Just don't get fixated on its being a true story.

Music- my Dire Straits CD hasn't arrived yet. This song keeps rolling through my head. All right- I'm going to admit something- Elton John is very F (feeling, emotional) in the tone of his music. Generally that kind of crap turns me off. But he has a way of expressing it perfectly- whatever it is he's trying to express in a particular song, I mean- and the songs tend to be a perfect marriage of lyrics and music. In that sense, I think he's a genius. The thing of it is, when it comes to feelings, I don't know what to do with them. Half the time I don't even realize they're there or what they are until it's too late and they're staring me in the face. Expressing them? Verbally??? You've got to be kidding. Besides, once I identify that there *is* a feeling of some sort and exactly *what* it is, I analyze it for hours (or days or months) and try to figure out just what it means, why it's there, etc other words I move it from feeling into thinking mode in order to deal with it.

That's why I like Elton John. He expresses things that I can't, eloquently. I'll be listening to his music, and eventually a song will play where I'll say- "hey, yeah. That's exactly it." So, back to the song. I recognized that particular feeling the first time I heard it. You'd sort of have to hear it though, the lyrics aren't enough. But it feels like a kid cowering in a corner from an angry father, wanting his dad's approval and love, wondering what in the hell he did wrong and what he's got to do to be loved again. This is the most perfect expression of an abused child that I've ever heard. I have more to say on this note but the night is wearing on rather fruitlessly and there are some things I need to work on.

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