Arrgh!!!

I'm depressed. I feel things so intensely, and I had might as well be a mute hermit for all the (lack of) ability I have in expressing it. The things that are within me- feelings, thoughts, ideas, insights, and so on, torment me, especially the feelings. I can be content to sit and think about the other stuff, except that it gets lonely...but feeling aren't rational and trying to analyze or transform them into something rational gets really tiresome after a few months (well, okay, sooner than that). Anyway, back to the main thought at hand: spoken words can never express or do justice to the things in my head, and it ****ing drives me crazy.

How can anyone cram what they feel into a few convenient, concise words and be contented with that? An idea- they're diagrams or images in my head, something almost tangible that I can turn over mentally and examine from several angles. It's always been this way for me- even numbers. How anyone can translate such a thing into sounds, and sounds not of music or even singing- for that seems possible to me- but of a voice speaking, just baffles and confounds me. Don't they sense the lack of vitality, the color fading from the thing, the difference between a living growing flower and a dead wilted one?

They don't seem to. Are they contented with that, are they shallow or are they able to say what they want to? How can that be enough for them?

Eh. What I'm really wondering doesn't concern them. I feel like a very plain understated package that people pass over because it just sits there, concealing what is within- many interesting and colorful things- because it is incompetent and powerless to describe them on little label. I can gripe about the bright and clearly labeled boxes or criticize the ones with the picture windows displaying their contents, but that only circumvents the real issue. I am jealous, yes!!- green with envy- because I sit on the sidelines as though paralyzed and dumb. I feel like a social retard, crippled by my ineptitude and clumsiness.

The only thing that even comes close to expressing it, (other than actions, which are inclined to be cautious) is art. I'm about ripe for another painting. People don't understand them, either, but at least I feel better afterwards for having expressed it..... :-P