Friday, December 03, 2004

Four of my five children are here, talking, laughing, making noise, getting into things. It's nice. It's a bit overwhelming though, not only the noise and activity; I find it very hard to focus on more than one person at a time and even harder to choose which child to focus on- they are all special. The effect can be one of spinning mentally and physically from one thing to the other, focusing on whatever is the most urgent, interesting, demanding, etc... and in all honesty, that exhausts me quickly. That's what I usually do. After an hour or two of it, I'm feeling pretty depleted... So today I'm trying a proactive approach, to spend time with each of them one at a time.
Otherwise....I am feeling compelled to tell/inform people about Asperger's and that I have it...and then questioning whether this is really such a hot idea? A LOT of people seem to equate autism with *mental illness*. It is _not_ a mental illness. It is a difference in thought style and patterns, it is a developmental disability at worst.
And sighing over the nastiness life dishes out to us. Not because we deserve it, but because we are different, because we are a little more defenseless than other people, because it can be hard to sort it all out or to tell that it's coming before it's too damned late, or simply because we look gentle and quiet and like they can get away with it. >:-( God I hate people with that mentality.....WTF is the matter with them?! THEY are the normal/healthy ones?!!! Puhhlease!!!!!

Also, I have a lifelong habit of not knowing how to defend myself, of not knowing under which circumstances it would be appropriate, of not being able to do so unless I get really MAD...and it takes a lot to make me mad. And then there is the whole adrenaline-fear-anger sensation that for me is very hard to deal heart pounds so hard I can hardly hear anything else, let alone think or retaliate...the words flee and leave me speechless...the emotions flood my system and I shake and tremble....if i say anything at all it is soemwhat incoherent, irate, and I say it in a tone of voice that doesn't even sound like my own, I hear my voice as though watching it...often I cry from the overload of it, from sheer rage...and that is even sit there trembling and crying when what you want to do is to scream at them. Afterwards, I don't even remember most of what I said. I'm just filled with resentment and loathing that they made me lose control of myself, that I lost control, that they got the better of me. If I end up crying an dbreakign down in front of them and they acted like they were gloating over it?...I never forget that. Even if things get repaired eventually, it will never be the same...becuase they made me cry and were *happy* about it..and I will never trust that person again.

God, what a negative post. I guess what I am getting at...oh, heck, I don't know. I am just sitting here now with bits and pieces of such scenes playing through my mind...the pain and betrayal of it poisoning me if I'll let it.

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