Sunday, December 05, 2004

Rock, rock rock. Stim stim stim...... It is hard to type when you have to quit rocking to do so..... :embarrassed:

The thought of being hurt or rejected is just....a terror of such magnitude... :shudder:......I have been known to reject people *first* simply to escape the possibility of being hurt myself. Often. Hell, isn't that what I do on almost a daily basis? I reject the whole goldanged world because I _do_not_trust_ the people in it.

But when I can't do that (or someone gets me first) I ache and hurt and rock with is so many times have people I trusted shattered and broken me into little bitty pieces, powder even, and not even been sorry, or done it flippantly? Left me there, to slowly regroup, to gather all the little pieces of myself back together one by one, sobbing all the while that I just don't have it in me to do it again, that I'll give up...but I did, and I didn't. Stubborness can be an asset.

Believe it or not, my being scared like this is actually a good sign. It means that I've had the strength, the nerve...and most of all, the make myself vulnerable once again, that I've actually let soemone get close enough to me to do that. My chest has strange, streaking sensations that ache high pitched when I feel this way.....:squirm:

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