Saturday, October 28, 2006

Nostalgic and homesick.....
I had a dream about my grandmas about a week ago, and I've missed them ever since. In the dream, one of my grandmas died, and I was rally upset, because I had meant to thank her, to ask her about the Phillipines and her family there, and then bang, just like that, no more chances, all her history lost to me, all her memories not passed through to the next generation. In the dream, she died from blood poisoning following her knee operation, which is exactly how my paternal grandfather died. She is getting knee surgery....I really hope it was only a bad dream and nothing more. I've been trying to call her, but I'm afraid to. Making a phone call is this huge effort for me, and then the people usually don't even want to talk to me much. It's a lot of stress with very little reward most of the time. I need to do it, though....should set a deadline and something pleasant that I can't have until after I make that phone call.

Two of my co-workers have been griping about my perfume, which is natural essential oils of roses. They don't know that I wear it because it reminds me of my Grandma Amy. I wonder if all Catholics wear rose scented stuff, or just Filipino ones, or just the Filipino Catholics that I knew?? To me it is such a warm, loving scent, a scent that says that there is love and safety in the world. I cope a lot better at work when I wear it, because the scent is very reassuring. One of the gals is actually allergic and has asthsma (but she smokes cigarettes?!!!) so I've been abstaining when she's there. The other one simply doesn't like it. Well, I don't like her reek of poison tobacco, or that she crunches ice cubes all day long (and I am pretty damned sure that she does NOT pay for those ice cubes!) and there's not a damned thing I can do about it, so she'll just have to put up with my perfume, too. If it made her physically sick, I would stop wearing it around her, even though I don't like's just wrong to make someone sick on purpose. stuff. Yeah, I miss them all. They don't seem to like me very much, though, especially my father's family. I am the black sheep, because I moved to be with my mom, and was homeless for a year or two, and because I got divorced. Also, I'm probably the only one of my generation in the family who hasn't gone to college (who's old enough to, anyway). Ouch!

My earliest memories of sound: my dad's pipe organ music- Bach, Beethoven, Mozart. Some of the compositions seem to be hardwired into me. When other people play the same pieces, they don't sound right, not crisp and staccato and defined and intricate like they are under my dad's fingers. I probably heard them before I was even born. I've actually been considering going to church again not for spiritual reasons, but in order to join a choir and sing the hymns. Isn't that twisted and hypocritical? I used to sing a LOT, and I had a good voice then. My dad had us sing right in front of the whole congregation. Now I'd be terrified to do that. I don't even know what my voice sounds like anymore. It's sad.

College: since earliest childhood, I knew, almost as a given, that there were things I wanted out of life: to be a doctor, an artist, have lots of animals, and a family. Now I feel like I've given up on all of that, why live at all? I have not fulfilled my destiny. I just bounce around messing other people's lives up. In my heart, I still want it, I still want to be a doctor, but I don't see how. Also, I don't see how I could be a doctor AND an artist, and maybe I should choose. We come from a long line of doctors, I was supposed to be one, and here I am, producing fast food that I don't even think is fit to eat. I wouldn't care so much if I weren't smart...but I am....and I think too much abotu my job because there is nothing else to focus on, and then I get in trouble for taking it too serously. Obviously I need to go to college, but for what?

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