Friday, October 13, 2006

Oh god. He is strangling me to death with his neediness. All he seems to see or think about is memememememe...what HE needs. It's as though I have some sudden obligation to make him as utterly happy as I can, because, why? Because, in my heart, he says, I know that I want to! AAaaaargh!!!!!!!!!!

I'm trying to be nice and decent and tactful and all that, and it just isn't working. Instead, I feel like I'm on the verge of losing my mind (at which point he pipes up and says, "Yeah, me too!,How do you think I feel?")

Hello! I wasn't the one who got drunk with a baby in my care and who tried to drive off before discovering that I was too danged drunk to go anywhere, and so passed out until I could drive again (hopefully soon enough that the baby's mother would be blissfully ignorant of the whole debacle), except, luckily for the baby, someone called the cops before any driving could be done. That was you, dear, not me. That was my baby, unfed, diaper unchanged, for four whole hours, crying unattended while you and your stupid pickle-brained drinking buddy haw-haw-hawed your way through at least one bottle of vodka and possibly another. I was the one who lost 5 hours ($40 worth) of work that I couldn't afford to lose, so I could rescue my child and keep him from being taken away from me, who stood there trembling with my baby in my arms, so thankful that he was alive and unharmed. If only he could talk and tell me the truth, of all the other things he's had to go through, but he can't. He has to content himself with looking up at me innocently and sweetly and hoping/trusting that I won't hurt him or let anyone else hurt him, either. It's my duty. I'm a mother.

So enough with the damned guilt trips! Shove them down your craw! All my life, as long as I live, I'll not be able to make up what's already happened to the poor kid, and it'll be on my record with CPS, even though I didn't flipping do anything wrong except let you spend a few hours with your kid, when you'd been begging me for weeks. That's what giving in gets me. It's going to take a helluva lot more than guilt trips or begging or emotional manipulation to get anywhere at all with me in the future.

I despise drunks. I've always hated the sound of bars. How in the world did I end up in this disastrous mess? By trusting you, duh.


Thing said...

I told you I am FINISHED with it,
but I do not blame you that you do not believe me, right now you want to be angry, I have not been trying to lessen how wrong I was with excuses, no, your trying to turn my mistakes into mountains, your wanting to be angry, you wanted me to admit my guilt, you wanted me to be honest to work on things and work them out, you wanted to hear things was worse then they were, but when I had done so you only used it to feed your fires of anger, some things I told was just because you wouldn't settle for less expecting the worst, hoping you would start believing in me that I have changed and was willing and being open, that you would at last let go of it so we could start to heal, I told you what you wanted to hear, a worst, you just used it to feed your angry fires, not to heal, I said I drank tons more then I actually did, this you wanted to hear and wouldn't accept anything less, nor will you.

Thing said...

I will leave, as you asked,
honey, at times your shit does stink,
your by far no fucking angel,
I may not come back into a relationship with you.

You think that once the breath tests are over and the courts are done with me and once I am out living on my own I will start partying and getting drunk, I may be an idiot at times but I am no fool, I want my son back, I just can not take him, CPS made sure of that, to overcome them I have to take that alcohol assessment and ace it, I have to keep my job, and I have to be and stay stable, if the CPS lady will not give me the assessment then I will ask the Judge, he would be more then willing if that is not his intent already, this I fully intend to do, then CPS can not step in the way in a court battle for equal custody of my son, I have not had a drug or alcohol related problem on record for nearly "2 decades" (thats 20 years) until now, that is not enough to keep my son from me if I ace that test, not by far, you say you will let me have him when YOU think I am staying sober, knowing you that could take many months if not YEARS, that is not acceptable, I will fight for him, he is the light of my life and MY SON, I can not depend on you to be fair with and to me when we are no longer together,
esp after what happened with my ex-wife and lost son, so I must start taking steps to be assured of it this time, so no, I have many reasons to keep my ass clean for a vary vary long long time, if not for good, and no, not for you or to get you back, or to get my self back in the door, but for my son and my self.

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