Wednesday, December 27, 2006

There is that song by Elton John...Sorry seems to be the hardest word. I feel that way a lot, like I'm searching in vain for the elusive, ineffable thing or quality that it'd take for people to love me.

What is it that they want that other women have that I don't? I don't understand it, it doesn't make sense to me. The constant, day to day rejection wears away at me and breaks my heart a little bit at a time. It's demoralizing. I wish I knew what it is. Things like:

Long, painted fingernails: Do men really find these appealing? They look threatening to me, like the woman is armed to claw someone or something. And the color...why should that matter?

Pedicures: Do men even look at a woman's feet? Do they actually care about the cuticles of her toes?? I really sort of doubt it.

Eyeliner: to me, it just looks slutty and cheap and artificial.

Hair: I don't care what anyone says, I'm not bleaching my hair blond for any man. However, it does seem that men like longer hair than what I have, and maybe a more feminine style than what I have. I'm so ticked right now that I'd like to just shave it short, like 1/4"long....but I'm considering letting it grow out to shoulder length, dye auburn highlights (my hair was red when I was little) with henna, and perm it so that it has slight waves (not awful, tight, kinked curls, no).

I don't know....I'm tired of people not liking me the way I am, I hate it.

Maybe if I were blond and stupid and dizzy/ditzy and helpless, and if all I cared about was makeup and visiting and giggling with equally ditzy friends, things would be different for me. I don't know why there's such a prejudice against smart women. It seems to me that a man with balls wouldn't be threatened by an intelligent woman.

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