Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Work today: The work itself went OK. But for some reason I don't understand, things got flippy for me after lunchtime. I don't know what you call it, anxiety attacks? Here is a description:

I started going...remote and silent. I wasn't even aware of it until one of the boxboys mentioned it. I believe the word he used was "catatonic". Then I started flapping a little bit, and gradually more..and more. Pretty soon I was flapping a lot. I my mind was slipping into a daze. Then I begn to have a feeling that I wanted to get out of the deli, to do tasks that would let me walk around and get out of there for a while, but I couldn't. A pressure developed around my chest and I felt a little short of breath, so I started gasping for air periodically. By this time I was not only flapping but also rocking in place (standing) and wanted desperately to go home or just get out of the entire place, for no particular reason except that it was noisy and just...too much.

I made myself a latte and set myself on tasks in the bakery, which has fewer customers and multitasking and chaos. That seemed to help, and after a while, I gradually felt better, but all the rest of the day I felt pretty remote.

Sometimes it's more of a full fledged panic attack, where my heart is pounding so hard that I can't hear much of anything and my hands are shaking really bad and I can't even think, but that's usually when I have soemone truly rotten to work with, like the cheap, rotten-hearted bitch that I wanted to kill (she told me that I stunk-loudly and in front of customers- for aout 4 hours, and I *didn't* stink at all...effing crackhead!!!) or the one when I first started who threatened to slap me because I couldn't process her verbal instructions very well. It isn't usually that bad...

And at times like this, I wonder if maybe I should qualify for some kind of training for a job that would pay better and that I'd be better qualified for.

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