Reading through these posts and the books I've begun reading makes me a little depressed. I don't finish half of them. I don't have the time, but it's more than that. I feel like the consant work and interactions with, well...the standard Priest River crowd (i.e. rednecks who get their kicks and thrill out of getting drunk every weekend and spending the rest of the week guffawing about the party and subsequent hangover and the coming weekend's party) is eroding my brain cells. When I'm not working, I'm surrounded and beseiged by children, which isn't much better.

It doesn't help that I have a constant comparison trip running; I compare myself with other people in different situations, or who've had different opportunities, or who have more time or solitude, etc etc (or are these just excuses??). The biggie for me is education- the lack of a solid foundation in some very basic subjects (math, chemistry, etc) makes me feel inferior. It doesn't really help that I know a lot about other subjects since these are frequenbtly discounted as unimportant (either by me or the other party) or I don't really do so well at verbalizing what I know. For me, ideas are not....they're not words. They're pictures. Even abstractions are mapped out in images or...I don't know how to explain it. It's not a picture but not words, either. Putting an image or abstraction into spoken words (written words are slightly better) frustrates me. It comes out bland and half baked. There is none of the vigor or excitement of the idea.

Anyway- I'm thinking that I will go ahead and apply for college- I was starting to question whether I would actually do this- not because I hope to get a better job out of it, though that'd be nice, or to get a degree, though I intend to, but mostly because I'm tired of feeling shorted in the areas that matter to me. The life I'm living now rubs against my grain and highlights all my weaknesses.

Sidenote: In the work with disabled people, I'm struck by the way that they pick out the person's weakest point and place a lot of emphasis on improving that rather than playing up the strong points and talents. Shy people are to go out in the community and interact with strangers. Talkative friendly types are to be quiet in public except when conducting a conversation. Energetic kids are encouraged to sit still, while stolid ones are nudged along to more activity....I'm generalizing of course, but this is the general way it works. Yeah it's good to round a person out a little, but don't they feel it to be an incredible strain? And, the minute you let the pressure off, they tend to revert to the way they'd rather be, anyway. I think there is a difference bewteen a person's natural self and their disability impairing the expression of the natural self, and the focus should be on the latter. Just a wild idea..