So, there's this plumber I like. I don't know why I refer to him as "the plumber"....except that the title imposes a certain amount of distance, whereas using someone's name makes it personal and hence a bit scarier. I don't even know why I like the man; there's just something about him.

Anyway, I've been watching this guy for about a year. :-P It's a game we all play in the grocery store, pointing out guys that we like to one another, mentally sorting through the humdreds of men who walk past us on a daily basis. It's been instructive. One of the things I've learned is that I'm pretty picky. 99.9% of these guys just don't appeal to me, period. But this guy, this plumber, I remember the first time I really noticed him. It was like I'd seen him somewhere before. He looked so *familiar*. I almost stopped to talk to him right then. My mouth must have dropped open as if to speak. I stopped in my tracks and looked at him. I started to walk again, stopped, looked at him again....and went into the store. I mentally knew that I didn't know him, but there was this haunting sense that I *should* know him. It's sort of bizarre. So ever since then, I've had my eye on him, silently. I didn't say anything to the other girls. I just watched and admired.

And then, one day they were making fun of my taste in men (essentially saying I had none), so I said, "That's not true! I do like good looking men. The next one I see, I'll show you." Within minutes, this same guy walked by. I pointed him out. The deli girls took one look at this guy, and then they ran right up to him and his fellow plumbers and found out whether he was married or had a girlfriend (no) and his name. Here I'd watched him for months, and then within minutes, my cover was blown (be careful what you tell other women). Well, almost. He didn't know who in the deli likes him, and he still might not...but I think that by now he's got it all figured out.

But see, I'm so shy that I can't talk to him. I get all nervous and my hands shake and I can't even look at him. He's either shy, too, or else he doesn't like me and is hoping that one of the married chicks likes him. It's depressing. If I could just bring myself to smile or wave or talk, maybe I'd find out...maybe he's mean and I can just forget the whole thing (but actually, he doesn't seem mean...he seems like a decent person). Arrrgh! It's tormenting me. I feel absolutely ridiculous and pathetic.

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Anyway, I kind of hate Valentines day. All it is is a day to stand on the sidelines and observe how loved everyone else is. I'd like to think that someday, it could happen to me, that maybe it could work out someday. I'd wait til I was 90 just to spend a few years with the right person....but what if there isn't one? What if the best I can do is to have an amicable friendship with guys that I like as a person, and feeling guilty that I can't put any passion into that kind of relationship, feeling like they're being cheated and like I'm using them, and then feeling guiltier yet when I end the mess? Maybe I should just try and keep people happy, and to hell with what I want or would like. I don't even know this plumber. I don't even know his last name or if he's a drunk or a wifebeater or whatever. What am I thinking?!