Tuesday, April 16, 2013

And...my brain is tormenting me again with the idea that my partner doesn't love me anymore (is it OK to call him a partner? Unsure). The smallest gesture, things said, not said, every variation in routine, language, action, becomes confabulated into a specter of impending rejection/dying relationship/not being wanted any longer, just convenient, etc. Everything hurts, completely out of proportion, or worse, things that shouldn't hurt at all. It's a special kind of hell. :-(

How to make it stop? Clearly there are things unsettled that need to be settled, but if I were able to do that myself, it would have been done with already. Something triggered me, but the time for being triggered is over and I just need for this to stop and go away already. Worse, it isn't easy for other people to deal with, which only feeds the cycle and exacerbates matters. Then I hate myself for being this way, and again, this doesn't help either. It is becoming a self-perpetuating source of pain. Meanwhile, I am feeling needy/touch hungry, but my behavior is off-putting. Ugh......

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