I am farmsitting for my former partner/father of my kids. It's fun to milk the goats and do the farm stuff...and I am really appreciating and enjoying the rich biodiversity of the place, which has been managed organically for the past 20+ years. :-)

Rants:

• Coffee shops that have a cutoff time for the wifi and don't inform you of this! What sucks even more is when you were in the middle of something (homework, a test, an important email, etc) and you lose connection. I circumvented it this time by simply rebooting the computer, but I won't be returning to this place, nor to any other which kicks me offline without warning. It isn't the time limit that's unacceptable, it's the lack of communication, which can seriously fuck things up if you don't know. I boycott all coffee shops that do this.
• The disorganization of my life and stuff. Working on it. I need to be able to find what I want when I want it, and to have a clear idea of what I have left and what was lost in the fire/foreclosure.
• Goats without names (in other words, they don't respond to their name because they don't have one) who run away instead of coming to be milked! Then when I'm done milking them, they bolt away as if I just did something awful to them. :-( Oh well.
• The rain is wonderful and I'm happy for it, but it's severely affecting my ability to get outside work done.
• I need to be cuddled and held and hugged and touched and slept next to. Not only is it not happening, I don't know if it's ever going to happen again. Not complaining too much, because I do like sex, but frankly, for all my touch to come only from sex isn't...well, somehow it isn't exactly the way I want things to be. Even if I were getting to have sex every single day (what a happy thought!), having that be the sole source of touch and physical human contact would be a little disheartening. But on the other hand, I don't want it to be an all or nothing sort of thing, either....I don't know. Probably I should just shut up and be happy with what I can get. :-/

Round Up kills earthworms. That's why I can't find any. We've already seen the honeybees take a massive hit, but I had to go look for the info on the worms...and I read organic/sustainable living stuff all the time. The prospect of a world without earthworms or honeybees scares the hell out of me, and it should scare you, too...

One of many studies

Don't take my word for it, go google for "effect roundup earthworms". Monsanto is doing their best to sugarcoat and stifle information on this, but it is out there. This cannot happen. We have to put our foot down. We have to do something and it needs to be done before it's too late.

Been selling blueberry plants at the farm here, and as they vacate their beds, space is freed up for my garden area. Sold 36+ plants today, leaving only 5 runty orphan plants. Will water and baby those along and see if they survive....

This allowed me to utilize enough ground for four more raised beds. Made one bed this evening and planted it with: carrots (danver's half long), beets (chioggia), amaranth (mercado dreadicus?!), poppies (Black Swan and Venus), and cosmos (Seashells mix). Yeah, i really did plant all those seeds in a single raised bed.... The flowers range mostly from burgundy to pink...the beet leaves will have red coloration so should match. I like to mix it up, always planting more than one thing in case something doesn't do well, and I like the cheer and spontanaiety of flowers alongside the more practical vegetable plants. The soil in this bed is very light and loose thanks to a lot of sawdust (leftover from heeling in the blueberry plants), which is why i planted a few root crops. The other areas have heavy, cakey soil that dries into an impenetrable crust....the delicate carrot seedlings wouldn't even sprout through it, i don't think.

Elsewhere throughout the garden, there are a LOT of calendulas and nasturtiums; both flowers are edible, and calendulas are also medicinal for healing salves and soaps. Also sunflowers are growing vigorously with the field crops (flour corn, winter squash, dry beans and peas for soup). Flowers make people smile and provide nectar and pollen for bees. Isn't that practical enough to justify making space for them? :-)

-->I have not seen a single snake, toad, frog or turtle here. Beetles, hummingbirds, robins...songbirds, a great blue heron... but no amphibians or reptiles, and not many spiders either.

Sometimes I feel foolish, humiliated or devalued because of that...I keep right on feeling the way I feel about people despite changes on their side of the equation. But really, is love, human warmth and regard, something to be ashamed of? Why would I think that having feelings that are more conditional would be more dignified?

Actually, the truth of the matter is that I have no idea what's going on. I'm trying hard to be happy with whatever it is, because it could certainly be much worse.

The garden is growing well. The earth calls to me.....want to farm so badly. It's time consuming and labor intensive to improve the soil, and then I typically have to move along again and start over.

I mean, it's just, everything in my life is so temporary, you know? I was thinking about that today....about the changeability in my life. Living situations, jobs, animals, vehicles, stuff I have or don't have....everything changes on a regular basis, but the one stable factor in my life is love. The people and things that I love pretty much stay the same regardless of what else goes on. Oh, there are additions now and then, but hardly ever any deletions.

The garden is growing well...multiple squash plants from my old seeds. The soil has been plowed, rototilled and chemically farmed for years and it feels dead to me...the texture is just powdery and lifeless. I've been trying to amend it with manure, straw, etc...am now going to add coffee grounds. I have seen one, yes just one, earthworm the entire time I've been working there.

Had the insane idea of biking up Gold Hill a few days ago. I've seen other people do it, including some guys who looked like they were in their sixties, so how hard could it be? I'm here to tell you, it's crazy difficult. I have no idea how anyone rides either up or down that trail and now have the deepest respect for anyone who can manage either feat. I fell twice (trying this with toe clips was an even worse idea!) and quickly concluded that the trail's a lot more fun on foot. Maybe with a little BMX...but no, I have seen other mountain bikers going up and down that trail, in groups, which seems potentially disastrous ....dunno. I'm either incredibly out of shape or unpracticed or something....that was fucking brutal and I didn't ride more than a fourth of it. Very, very embarrassing. Still all scraped up, and oops, gotta run for art modeling, scrapes and all!

I am feeling fairly happy, but there are nagging yearnings.... Most of all, I want stability, some kind of an anchor in life, someone or something who will reliably, dependably be there for me even when all sorts of shit is hitting the fan. It could be a farm, a partner, a job, a calling, a friend...but I want to belong, to have a place in life that I can't get kicked out of.

I should go work on my pottery....(but I'm afraid to go look...my salmon that hadn't even been bisqued yet had a broken tail the last time I went there...and it was the best I'd made so far)...I should buy art supplies (but I'm feeling cheap)...or should finish painting the shed (tired of sunshine- yes, really!)...yearning for nature, need exercise.

Several of my old squash seeds have come up. :-) It looks as if I'll have enough genetic diversity to be able to hand pollinate between plants and keep this strain going. Hope lives.

Blech, not the anxiety again.....oh please no. It's not the crippling flavor...yet....but I don't want it at all, not any flavor in any amount. >.<

Things have changed somewhat. And although I am not typically a private person, I'm not going to talk about any of it here. Some things defy easy explanation. What I will say is that I am feeling better, am getting along with my lover again, and that my soul is filled with a deep sense of contentment.

Labels, designations, social categories, etc can fly away on the wind. I am happy.

Some situations just are not easy and have no simple, immediate solutions. The fact of the matter is that the level of PTSD, trauma and other issues that I have makes it nearly impossible not to trigger me, or for me not to get triggered. It seems inevitable. It probably seems like I'm just not trying hard enough to get a grip and cope with life.

But from my perspective, the absolute worst part of all this is that getting triggered tends to cause more traumatic shit to happen, creates more triggers to trip over. It has become a self-perpetuating private hell. Private? That's not true: it affects everyone around me, everyone who has to interact with me. It's so unfair, in all directions. Every person I love, every person I get close to, has to deal with this shit, gets stressed by it. I cannot help hurting those I love, in the most inadvertent way, and frankly, that makes me feel like shit. :-(

Looking back through the blog posts, I realize that this wasn't a surprise. I could see it coming, could sense that ominous storm cloud building. I've had an entire lifetime of hypervigilance regarding the faintest hints of rejection, can smell it on the wind. I knew. I did. It was there for a long time.

But he kept insisting it wasn't there, even as I watched the alarm bells ring, as the thing started to snowball and gain momentum. I began to panic, and that made it worse. He still said everything was OK. I wanted so badly to believe him....because he was dear to me, because I really longed to be able to trust someone. And I tried as hard as I could to turn away from the doom gathering, blackening, on the horizon. I could only ignore it when I was in his arms....when he held me, I felt safe.

And now, battered and worked over by the long-dreaded disaster, I feel betrayed. He said it was safe! He said he wouldn't do this, that I was worrying needlessly, and look: everything I was so paralyzed with fear about has happened.

But shouldn't I be most upset with myself? The thing is, I had no idea of what could be done to stop it. How do you stop a tsunami??

Earthworms have five hearts.
I wish that I had five hearts, like a cat has nine lives.
But.
I would give every one of them to you anyway, write your name on them all
Like a string of valentines.

I don't know. It's so hard to tell what's true and what is my mind's anxiety....which is why PTSD is such a bitch. Flashbacks, triggers, it feels real. And this time, the reality check function appears to be broken. I am left floundering in a dark roomful of nightmares, alone, waiting for the day to come, trying as hard as I can to endure until then.