Thursday, June 06, 2013

Looking back through the blog posts, I realize that this wasn't a surprise. I could see it coming, could sense that ominous storm cloud building. I've had an entire lifetime of hypervigilance regarding the faintest hints of rejection, can smell it on the wind. I knew. I did. It was there for a long time.

But he kept insisting it wasn't there, even as I watched the alarm bells ring, as the thing started to snowball and gain momentum. I began to panic, and that made it worse. He still said everything was OK. I wanted so badly to believe him....because he was dear to me, because I really longed to be able to trust someone. And I tried as hard as I could to turn away from the doom gathering, blackening, on the horizon. I could only ignore it when I was in his arms....when he held me, I felt safe.

And now, battered and worked over by the long-dreaded disaster, I feel betrayed. He said it was safe! He said he wouldn't do this, that I was worrying needlessly, and look: everything I was so paralyzed with fear about has happened.

But shouldn't I be most upset with myself? The thing is, I had no idea of what could be done to stop it. How do you stop a tsunami??

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