I feel so sad. It's beautiful outside and it just means nothing to me. Too early to start drinking. Probably I should eat. I get scared. Maybe I've said too much. Maybe I didn't say enough. Maybe I should have told you what you mean to me. You....you are like seeing a rainbow for the very first time after a lifetime of the shittiest weather imaginable. I love you more than I'm able to say, and it terrifies me, because I know that you'll be gone. I know I'll lose you. And I don't know how to live without hope in my life. Do I reach out? No, that seems desperate. Maybe I'd be bothering you. But....maybe I seem cold. Ugh.... Just wait I guess.

I haven't posted for a long time. 2016 was an interesting year with a lot of changes; some were difficult and others have been good and even restorative.

Mainly, the relationship I've been agonizing over for the past four years is now over. I read back through some of it today and felt disappointed in myself. I made every excuse in the book for why it was all my fault, cried, whined, felt REALLY guilty, cried a LOT, wanted to die, told myself he was the best thing in the world, tried to believe it, tried harder, tried harder some more.... I twisted myself into pretzels trying to be what he wanted me to be, in a futile attempt to win his approval and get even a few hours of harmony and peace. I suffered a lot, and somehow managed to overlook the fact that he didn't seem to care. I compromised myself and tried to be things I wasn't. But the worst thing of it is, I neglected to spend enough time with my kids, and I prioritized keeping the peace with him, over taking good care of them and being fair with them.

I really thought that if I tried hard enough and looked long enough, exhausted every possible option, SOMEWHERE, a solution could be found. There's no solution for a person who doesn't value you and who takes you for granted. It shouldn't have required four years for me to figure that out.

Meanwhile, I neglected not only my kids, but also countless friendships. To be honest, the concussion didn't help- it left a movement disorder in its wake, which has interfered with driving long distances (or driving at all, sometimes) and worse, it looked really dumb. I couldn't bear for anyone to see me jerking and twitching around like that. Contra dancing (so much fun!!) isn't possible for more than a few dances. Chess requires attention span and not forgetting what you were going to do. Various social groups...if I'd had a way to get to them, I might have gone to some of them. The limitations can be hard to take, and it really makes one reconsider how much bodily and mental functionality we take for granted on a daily basis. Anyway, I'm still farming, am doing a lot better, and will try to post more regularly.

Enough already.

I can't believe that I've spent so much of my life crying about people who don't care, and neglecting/failing to appreciate the ones who do. That's messed up.

I don't know if a day will ever come when I don't miss you and wish things weren't like this.

I had the dream again. The one where things are better, where it's not weird anymore, where everything makes sense and we acknowledge that although that was horrible, that's over now and it'll never be like that again. This was the longest, most vivid, most realistic version of this dream, yet. I actually looked at you and asked if I was dreaming, because it didn't seem real that it could be better; we laughed about that and agreed that it wasn't a dream, it was real.

It felt so real, and then I woke up.

Early morning thoughts

In many ways, I suppose it could be said that life has improved. I have a level of stability which might exceed anything I've had since early childhood.  I am finally able to farm on my own terms (I hope), to implement concepts, ideals, and dreams that have been waiting within me for over twenty years. The hope is that for the first time, I'll be able to plant trees and gardens and have every assurance of being able to harvest them the following year, or to pick fruit from those trees a decade from now.

I feel so impatient. There's so little time, and trees take much time, whether we have it or not. My body is older each year, more damaged each year. I don't feel that I can delay this work, it's waited too long already.

I am finding that there are things I need from my relationships, demands from the land, the soil which in turn are transmitted through me to those around me. A farm is an ecosystem, and I am a part of it. One cannot treat nature in an extractive fashion without being punished for it, and without causing damage. I would argue that objectifying and exploiting the earth is just as egregious as treating humans that way....except that nature will slap you back. You will, sooner or later, get what you deserve if you attempt to use and abuse Mother Earth. She has to be loved, nutured, fed, her needs considered.

I think of you. Eyes of sky. Why have I never expected from anyone the same things that I take for granted when caring for the soil that I hold between my hands? Why was I so ready to believe myself disposable, meaningless, when every earthworm deserves consideration? I think of slowly swaying, rippling streaks of red, protecting the culmination of their life's purpose, their dying wish. I wonder sometimes if I took the wrong fork in the stream, but there's no time to swim back. I can only struggle on and hope to find some purpose at the end.

I am the worthless thing that nobody wants to acknowledge being mixed up with.

That's what I think sometimes. I get left behind. Downplayed. Denied. Ignored. Lied about. Left out. Disavowed.

And nobody ever tells me why. I wish that they would. If I knew what it was, I could change it, and then these horribly painful things would never happen again.

It causes me to lose respect for them. They're cowards.

I have worthwhile things to say, but am exhausted right now. Will try to post tomorrow.

I'm so fucking sorry all the time, and then I wonder why everyone thinks everything is my fault. :-/

What's it's like to have anxiety.

She did such a good job of explaining that....except I would have put some monsters in that rainstorm. :-P

Then there's this thing where people say that they love me, win me over, earn my trust.....and then....they change their minds. My mother. Every man I've ever loved. They love me for a while. Or maybe they just like me, who knows. And although it was a shock at first, and it's still always excruciatingly painful, by now it is at least predictable: something changes. I'm not sure what changes. They don't tell me. But the niceness, the tenderness, the sensitivity fades. Sometimes they love someone else instead. Sometimes it just dies for what appears to be no good reason. Most of the time I don't get any answers or explanations at all.

I don't know if I can take it anymore. How many times can a person hope and strive and fight with all their might to keep things alive, only to hear that love is merely a concept, or just meaningless words, or....whatever it takes to explain away the fact that it's fucking gone, AGAIN.

Love isn't meaningless to me. Love is everything. Love is the thing that makes you fight and strive and splash and continue to swim upstream. Loving someone who no longer feels the same way is like trying to plow with a team of horses when one of them has decided to walk off and graze while the other one keeps plowing.

I guess I sound kind of angry....but I'm so tired of the pain. If people are merely enthusiastic, enthralled, infatuated, sexually interested, or whatever, they should use a different word. LOVE is a word that means something. It involves struggle and work and commitment and loyalty. If that's not what people mean when they say it, they should say a different word. :-(

I've come to the conclusion that I don't really know how to be loved.

I know how to love other people. I know how to cry and grieve and pine away for the people I love. Noticing and cherishing all the little details, the nuances, all the tiny things that other people don't see....and hiding them away in my heart's treasure box....I'm very good at that. Keeping the spark or the ghost of a spark alive for years, for decades....I can do that, long past the point where others would have given up hope.

But accepting love....that's a problem. Believing that I'm lovable or good enough to be loved...I don't even know how to get there. I've spent years of my life engaged in unrequited love affairs. When someone wants to love me back, what? What's that? That can't be real. There's a catch somewhere. It's a trick.The pain is coming, I know it. I see the hints of impending heartbreak where others don't. I can smell pain a long ways away....and I'm ready for it, because pain is what I know intimately, deeply. Gut wrenching, mind numbing, crippling pain...I dread it and hate it...but it's oh so familiar and I know how to deal with it. Being loved? I want it more than anything in the whole world...but then when I get it, it's so hard to believe and I have no idea what to do with it. :-/

Feeling disenchanted, lonely. Also my head feels spinny, but enough sleep deprivation will do that. Grrr.....

And...got triggered again today. It doesn't take much, but the triggers can be identified. The thing is, it happens so easily. It hurts me so much. Little things that shouldn't trigger me so badly, do. I feel so vulnerable and weak and ashamed of myself. It's horrible and I hate having to deal with it.

I try to tell myself that I was worse a year or two ago. That I'm actually doing better. It's not convincing enough. I don't want to feel this fragile, this easily shaken up, for the rest of my life. :-(

I would really like it if I could have a relationship in which the other party and I loved one another to the same degree/in the same way. I'm not saying that I need to "fall" in love. Growing into love would be fine. It wouldn't have to happen simultaneously. Or with fireworks. I just want to know that I'm safe, that the other would be just as injured by the loss of me as I'd be by the loss of them. I want to know that I am not disposable.

OK, so I just wrote that, and it looks selfish to me now. :-(

Things are improving. To all of you who have been holding me in the Light, thinking good thoughts for me, thank you. It does help, and I do appreciate it.

I don't know if it's going to work. I want it to work. However, I'm not sure that my wanting things to work is adequate. Meanwhile, I am deluged and completely underwater with things that need to be done before winter and preferably before school starts. Summer....gone. Irretrievable. Forget it.

What goals do I have for myself, my family, the earth, and life in general?

Do my daily actions, thoughts, activites, and associations with other people contribute towards these goals?

To what extent is my life being lived intentionally, and to what extent is is merely happening, with me as a spectator?

Am I consciously making the choices/decision in my life, or am I allowing others to decide for me, because it is easier/less conflict/more cooperative?

Am I doing things the way they're being done out of habit?

Am I valuing myself, my time, my resources, thoughts and feelings, the way I would like other people to value these things?

How can one objectively differentiate between a compromise which is fair, and inequity?

If the next year or five years is just like this one, more or less, how will I feel about that?

If that isn't what I want, what could be changed? How realistic is this?

Are my goals and ideals realistic? Are there things I am willing to sacrifice? What is essential, what is negotiable, and what is unrealistic/unattainable?

Am I careful to consider other perspectives and priorities besides my own? How can I set boundaries which are healthy for all parties concerned?

What can I do to facilitate understanding and dialogue? How can we deal with hurt feelings without causing more hurt?

Am I careful to listen as completely as possible, without planning a response or refutation? Am I listening with my heart rather than my ego? Am I responding carefully rather than merely reacting?

Feeling brokenhearted. September approaches. Summer is ending, and overall, it's been more or less like I thought it would be.

September...time of decisions....stay away a little longer. I'm not ready for you yet.

He says that I'm hypersensitive. To some extent, this is true: hypersensitivity is one of the defining characteristics of being on the autism spectrum. Some have argued that it is actually the cause of all other ASD symptoms and behaviours....and the people who have posited this are themselves on the spectrum (google "autism expert sensory funnel"), which lends more validity than the average hare-brained ideas.

But there's also this: my average pain/stress/discomfort levels are already typically much, much higher than your average person. On any random day, if you scratch through the veneer, there's a boiling mess of hurt underneath it that I'd rather pretend isn't there. I don't have a lot of wiggle room. So yeah, "small" things will hurt me much, much more than your average person who isn't already frighteningly close to their max pain threshold.

Meltdowns: In Our Own Words

The following descriptions of meltdowns were written by a variety of people on the autism spectrum. In the interest of protecting privacy, I'm not disclosing names, but I will say that I have permission to share these quotes and also, I didn't write any of them myself. Also, all of these people are functioning at a level such that they can type or otherwsie articulate their thoughts.

"Meltdowns feel like vertigo"

"When I have a meltdown, it's like I've turned into a tree. I have to make a huge effort to utter one word (if I can) or move (without collapsing to the floor). My legs give way, it's like I'm falling down a deep tunnel and I can't climb out. Speechless, paralyzed and scared, terribly scared. When I find a way out, I will be aggressive verbally. I can manage to choose the words, but the manner is very choppy, blunt, like karate chops.. It feels like I'm fighting for my life. Usually I'll find a way to say I'm leaving now, or please leave me a moment alone. If someone is aggressive back, I may scream. Out of pure defensive mechanism."

"when i have a meltdowm i become agitated and usually physical and verbal....but usually i just scream. when i shutdown i freeze, tense up and am very quiet"

"I shake all over and feel intense frustration and fear. I also cry, usually to the point of being inconsolable. I may raise my voice to get my points across. There is no use in trying to reason with me when I have these moments. Unfortunately, when this happens to me, the people in my life react by essentially scolding and blaming me, which does not help at all!"

"When I have a melt down I scream at everyone and everything. Everything feels so unfair and it feels like no one understands anything at all. I'm not physical, but I scream and scream and scream. Then, it's OVER! Just whoosh. My anxiety is better. I don't understand it too well yet but I am getting pretty good at recognizing when it is starting and averting it."

" I can feel both meltdowns and shutdowns coming on so I try to get away before it gets to that point. When I have a meltdown, it's like I'm inside my own body watching my body throw this fit. I'm inside my head screaming "No! No! Don't say that! Don't do that! Stop!" but I can't make it stop. When I have a shutdown, I'm trapped inside this body that can't move. If I'm in an argument with someone while having a shutdown, I'm thinking stuff like "Say this..." but I can't make my mouth move and can't make any noise. Both are like having a seizure. I knew of a lady who was epileptic and when she would have a seizure, she'd do things like throw a table over in a restaurant or pull the stove over on top of herself. It's a lot like that."

-----------------------------------------------------

One thing that interests me about these descriptions is that several of the writers took the time to distinguish between a meltdown and a shutdown. I seem to experience the shutdown variety more often. It feels so incredibly powerless...like you're prey about to be consumed.

Next I'd like to explore practical help/solutions/advice for coping with meltdowns and shutdowns.

Links to previous posts about meltdowns:

Here

and also here

Feeling heartsick and very discouraged. I thought things were better. I was so excited to see him.

I would not for a minute say that things are all his fault, or that I am a victim. But I do think that problems get swept under the rug and stuffed away and dismissed instead of being resolved. I also think that we sometimes treat and speak to the people who are closest to us in ways that we wouldn't speak to/treat a regular friend or a complete stranger...and this goes for me as much as anyone else. The first time I realized how I sounded when I spoke to my own kids....speaking to them in a way I would never speak to anyone else, I was so ashamed of myself...but, we all do it, unfortunately.

I KNOW that I am flawed. I realize that I am hypersensitive and take things more personally than I should. Yes, I get anxiety attacks and meltdowns. Meltdowns and anxiety attacks are not a conscious, voluntary decision. No one would *choose* to have one. Anyone who is having one, or for that matter, who's had their PTSD triggered, would love nothing better than to have it STOP instantaneously and to feel better again. The rate of substance abuse among people with these disorders is high for this reason- we want something, anything, to either make it stop or not happen in the first place. Getting angry for someone for getting triggered, experiencing a meltdown, or having an anxiety attack can only do one thing: make it worse. It is not, unfortunately, something that one can "snap out of". And yes, as a parent of kids on the spectrum, as someone who used to be partnered with an aspie, I'm very aware: dealing with meltdowns sucks for everyone. They are a truly sucky experience.

It might be germane to this conversation to discuss what a meltdown is, what it feels like. Because now that I think of it, I've read a lot of reports of parents punishing their autistic kids and/or treating meltdowns as if they were tantrums. When I am feeling a little better, I'll try to find some examples of meltdowns I've had and elaborate on this icky, aversive topic....because as much as I hate it, I do think that every parent whose kid is on the autism spectrum should know what a meltdown feels like from the inside.

Went back and looked at text communications from almost a year ago. I was struck by the difference in tone as well as the content. I recall really, REALLY struggling to stay together last year....yet as a whole, the communications tended to be affectionate. When we fought, we were both sorry. There was more affirmation and affection on both sides. There was more respect. Also, there are a number of small details which I remember differently from what the text records show; my memory isn't as accurate as I thought.

What's changed this year? More stress overall. Job loss, an additional concussion. The chronic, long term stress caused by a prolonged recovery, exacerbated by already existing health issues on both sides. But also, a kicking and screaming inner resistance against wanting a repeat of 2013's summer. I really wanted quality time this year, felt like I'd endured a horrible winter and wanted to bask in the reward of the summer sun and warmth and take advantage of some of the fun stuff our area offers this time of year. This hasn't materialized as I had hoped and my emphasis on wanting it seems only to have cemented against it. I will admit to growing grudgy, crabby, and jealous on this count, and to struggling with comparisons with other women, wondering what they've got that I don't. I have been feeling really negative and pessimistic about these things. Have been thinking of them as "The Popular Girls", "The Birthday Girls".....and so on....which, honestly, doesn't make me feel any better. I have agonized over what shortcomings I might have, why I might not be good enough for the things that these other girls get, and for happy outdoor adventures. Have kicked myself for not having enough money, thinking that if I had money, things would be different/better/whatever. I have been feeling bitter, left out, socially excluded, like I'm back in grade school again. That stuff people say about negativity hurting the bearer of it more than other people? It's true.

Meanwhile, I could be doing fun outdoor stuff with my kids. Yes, it would be 200% better if my partner was with me. Yes, it would be nice if we could have quality time. All I really, really wanted this weekend was to be able to talk to him about farming stuff...but I wasted most of my weekend feeling sad and left out. I need to just give up on hoping for his participation/involvement and resolve to do that fun stuff whether he's there or not, and NOT waste time moping around, hoping that he'll go on a walk or a bike ride or to the beach with me, if I'm patient. I wish that I could do these things with him, but sitting around feeling upset about it is just unproductive and makes me feel even more sad.

That moment when you realize that it doesn't matter....that your feelings, thoughts, whatever are actually pretty irrelevant. :-/

I really, really need a hug right now. :-(

Why teenagers act crazy sometimes is the name of this article, but I found what they had to say abotu the amygdala, anxiety, and the formation of PTSD in adolescence very, very interesting. Thanks to Rantwoman for this link!

It's really pathetic, but at the most basic level, all I want out of the people I love is to feel that I'm good enough and that they feel the same way towards me as I do them. That doesn't sound like much, yet it does not happen. :-(

I will never understand why people who are blessed with social popularity aren't simply content to bask in the glory of having lots of friends/acquaintances. Why, with all that love and attention, isn't it enough? Why do many of them feel the need to misuse this gift via various social headgames/manuevering/cliques, etc? I like to think that if I were popular, I'd befriend the underdogs and behave especially kindly towards other people, especially if I were an extrovert who enjoyed being aroung people. I like to think that I'd be basically the same person I am now, except that I'd be socially savvy, relish human company/energy and have lots of friends. That I'd still be the same doggedly loyal person I am now, only new-shiny-better-improved-loved extra more, that I wouldn't take people for granted.

But maybe it doesn't work that way. Perhaps the primary reason I'm the way that I am is because the friends that I do have are prized, because there aren't many of them. Maybe if I had more friends than time, I'd cherrypick, high grade, and put some of them into fairweather only categories.

If friends were easy and readily available, would I drop everything and make personal sacrifices to go help them with some crisis or emergency, especially if it were one that wouldn't affect me if it went to hell? I like to think that I would, but realistically....maybe at some point triage comes into play. :-/

Exhausted. Here's the deal: when you get a concussion you should not ride on a roller coaster, particularly one with a lot of velocity, centrifugal force, and sudden changes in direction. Also, one should take care not to bump their head again. One should attempt to sleep much, eat regularly, avoid stress and strike a balance between sufficient rest and resuming normal life.

If you disregard this stuff, your brain relapses to an earlier stage in the recovery process, setting hard won progress back.

I do not feel good. Just getting through the day is consuming all the strength I have. And for whatever reason, I would never have suspected that the roller coaster might not be a good idea. :-(

Feeling disillusioned and fragile, as if my heart were that lacy thin, delicate pattern of osteoporotic bone. I always hope for nice things, good things, for things to actually work out for a change...but I always expect the worst, that there was some misunderstanding and that nice thing is not really going to happen. And sure enough. You would think that since it was expected anyway, it wouldn't be upsetting....but it is. I always kick myself around the block for being stupid enough to have hoped for anything different. He says that I "awfulize". There's truth in that, but what he doesn't seem to see is that expecting the worst and bracing for it is a protective mechanism. Imagine, if I honestly thought everything I hoped for was really going to happen, how crushed I'd be? Been There. Done That.

Started a blog for farm stuff at avellana farm. This is not the official website, but all farm related/animal stuff will be posted there.

thank you.

Feeling lonely. Sad, because I cannot draw anymore. House is all quiet. :-(