It occurred to me today that I don't really have much fun anymore. I don't know why exactly that is, except perhaps that I never have any free time to speak of. But even when I do have time, it's like it just doesn't even occur to me anymore to do something for sheer enjoyment, for its own sake.

And in reality, it's the same thing with my art- I feel guilty if I I'm not working or doing something *necessary* to our survival, and (let's be honest) resentful when other people in the household do do things just for fun, especially if I feel like I'm picking up their slack.

So: Places I'd like to go and things I'd like to see

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• The Pacific coast. I want to go beach combing there. I've never seen the pacific ocean, not even from a distance.
• Upper Priest Lake, another place I haven't been to, even though I'm within an hour of it. Several of my kids have been there, I always got left behind at home. :-( I want to see it, to hike it, to climb...
• Canada, another nearby place I've never been to. I have no idea what to expect, I'd just like to see it.
• If I had the chance and lots of money someday, I wouldn't mind going to Hawaii. On the other hand though, it wouldn't break my heart all to pieces if I couldn't.
• I'd like to visit botanical gardens and art museums in the area.
• Art on the Green in Couer d'Alene; again, this is less than an hour away, I'd love to see it, but I haven't. Why? Mainly because I don't want to go all by myself. I don't think it even costs any money.
• The college in Couer d'Alene, same reason, I'm afraid to go alone. Chicken...
• I wouldn't mind going back down to Colorado, the Taos area, and sightseeing around there. I'd like to see in person the things that Georgia O'Keefe painted, and to see her work in person.
• Chicago- The Art Institute. Of coure, there are a lot of other great msueums I'd also like to visit. I could spend a week or two just going to the museums in Chicago alone and be awfully happy about it.
• I also think it'd be neat to see the MOMA, the Met, and other big art museums in New York, but this isn't likely to happen. That makes me sad.
• Locally again, Gisborn mountain.
  

See, half these places are nearby, and I either don't go to them or never have simply because I'm disinclined to do so all by myself or with a whole crew of kids. I guess I'm waiting until I get old and my hips have crapped out on me entirely? If I don't do something, I'll never see these things at all.

Ok folks, I need opinions. Please, PLEASE, stop by my bio-blog and let me know what you think of it, if I'm leaving anything out that might not seem missing to me but is necessary, needs more detail, that sort of thing? The url is: This is what happened

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I felt all broken up and sad today, like crying, and I couldn't even put my finger on why. I mean, I'm sure that I coudl select somethign sad and heartbreaking from my past to focus on as a source of the pain, but that wouldn't have been it, it was just sort of...like this hazy oppressive thing without defined edges. I think that when I stop nursing the baby and start to take the St. John's wort again, I'll feel happier more of the time.

And God help us all if I don't get my coffee, on time......geez.

I know I am a bitch, and I hate it, but damned if I can help it.

There is this girl at work who is driving me nuts, and I know she's even more depressed than I am, but the annoying thing is that she just drips. She doesn't really make any attempt to pull herself together and start changing things, or to summon some inner strength or initiative. When she's around, I start feeling impatient and bitchy, because I don't want to succumb to the same sort of despair, which is contagious. There are some pretty obvious things that could be done which would dramatically improve her situation, but she doesn't want to hear about them. Instead, she just mopes around feeling envious of how "lucky" the rest of us are(!!!).

That was bad enough, but then she started using it as an excuse for eating the food we're supposed to be selling. Look, I've been hungry before too, but you simply cannot consume the product, and especially not out in the open. The anxiety of worrying over her getting abruptly fired on the spot is eating me alive, and besides, it bugs me to see her going about hand to mouth constantly. I tried to tell her, she wouldn't listen. So today I had had enough, and asked a manager about it, and she got a lot more worked up about it a lot faster than I had ever imagined she would. She wanted me to narc on the girl so we could fire her pronto. Made me everlastingly glad that I don't munch the food (shudder). She marched me straight to the big boss...I don't think they were happy that I declined to ofer the information. The people in the deli are going to hate me that I said anything at all...I had no idea...I mean, I knew it was a no-no, but I did not realize it was a BIG FUCKING DEAL that should be reported pronto. So everyone hates me now....great.

==== Superman Returns ====

I've been an avid Superman fan since early childhood. I was the little girl who pined after superman underwear in vain (it was only available for boys) and who collected just about every other type of Superman parphenalia I could cajole my relatives into buying for me. I wanted desperately to marry Superman when I grew up and viewed Lois Lane with serious dislike.

Now I'm feeling sorry for her. This movie shoud be retitled, "Superman, the Deadbeat Dad".

There are a lot of little (and big) glitches in the logic throughout the movie. First of all, he's aware of everyone calling out for help, but he didn't hear his beloved's dismay at his disapearance, and even with his X ray vision, he was unaware of her pregnancy? Secondly, after getting laid by Superman, she immediately takes up with another guy quickly enough to deceive him into thinking the kid is his? I mean, this is Superman we're talking about here. His stamina and special abilities should be enough that no ordinary man would ever be able to compete with him.....but she forgets him, Bam! just like that. Not only does she forget him, but upon his return, she doesn't ditch the human guy, while almost any woman probably would, regardless of scruples, and frankly, Lois Lane doesn't have many scruples. After all, she cuckolded her mate and lied to him about the kid, walks right into private property and sneaks around, etc.... Honesty and behaving honorably just aren't strong points for her, except, apparently, in this case.

Then there's the kid. Superman can't tell this tyke is his? What happened with all his mind reading and whatnot? The boy has occasional super-human strength, but no mind reading ability whatsoever?

But the biggest disappointment as far as the plot goes is that Superman, with all his assets and abilities, doesn't even try to lend Lois a hand in the raising of his son. He's content to leave it to the poor fool who got suckered and to sneak in once in awhile to peer at his sleeping child, like some kind of a vampire, perching on roofs. Seriously, folks, this is the best that Superman can do? He can't keep his girl or parent his own kid? Or, is he just above it all, preferring to bask in the spotlight of public adoration?

Maybe his name should be Super-ego.

It's been an interesting week. I pried myself away from my workplace for an entire week. I survived; I did not go into withdrawl! Definitely missed the structure and routine, though.

While I was gone:

I met my SO's family. I honestly didn't realize how hungry I was for family (umm, wait, that doesn't sound the way I meant it to!!) until I met all these people. At first I curled up and hid in the room because I was afraid of them, but then his mom found me and coaxed me out. My own clan has more or less turned their backs on me ( I guess I'm too embarrassing for whatever reason), so I'm going to adopt these folks, it looks like. They seem to either like me a lot or do an awfully good job of concealing their dismay.

We saw a movie, in an actual movie theater. More on this later.

And, I made up with my sister. Never mind why we were incommunicado, it's unimportant at this point. The salient thing here is that after quite a few years (possibly 5?), I saw her again, she got to meet my kids, and her husband (shunned by the rest of our clan for snobbish reasons) and my SO seemed to get on well.

This is funny: I've always been insecure that my men would rather have her, and that they'd rather have me act more like her. She's taller, smaller waisted, cuter, daintier, has smaller feet, a higher voice, and all the social poise that I lack. Her husband told us that when they were first married, she woke up crying in the night; he asked her what was wrong. She'd had a dream that he liked *me* instead of her!! Can you imagine? My sister, that I've been so jealous of since early childhood? She's insecure, too! I don't need to view her as a rival anymore.

And, although I didn't get a chance to do any artwork at all on my vacation, I did see a lot of pretty inspiring scenery and color. I purchased an artist's mannekin, some liquin medium, and a wooden palette, all of which I can use, but here is the thing: I keep on purchasing art supplies, and then I delay doing anything with them. I think I'm afraid of failure or something. When I do draw or paint, I feel all uptight, like each drawing or sketch or whatever has to be a masterpiece, and I either can't get started at all, or I can't complete it. It's just horrible....

Screw it. So what if they're mad? If I haven't done something obviously wrong or out of line and someone is still mad at me for whatever reason, that's their problem. Really, life's too short.....

I get mad at people all the time (usually for a very short time- irritated might be a better term) and people hardly ever care. I seriously doubt that other people lie awake at night worrying about whether I'm angry with them.

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OK, well, it was an attempt, at stars and stripes....

It's getting close to the 4th of July, and not only are tempers flaring at work, but my kids are pestering me incessantly for fireworks. Here's the way I look at it:

A. Why should I work for hours under stressful conditions with lazy butts who make me look bad (no, I don't mean you) just to waste it for, at the most, ten minutes of cheap thrills and danger? My money and work going up in smoke!! Sorry kids, I don't have money to burn. Spend your own dough

B. Also, there are plenty of people all around me who apparently do have money to send up in smoke. Watcing their money burn is a lot more satisfyling than if it's mine, to be honest. I have no cost, no mess, no danger of singed fingers or injured children, and there are enough people doing this already that I can enjoy it for a lot longer than ten minutes.

Yeah, I spose that is selfish....but it's my money. I don't feel obligated to blow it on these reminiscences of bombs and gunshots.