There is a sadness festering in my heart, and I don't know how to explain or justify it.

I guess I could bring up the concept of "beshert" and explain that since my conception was unintended and there were people who wanted me aborted, I've always sort of wondered whether there's a place for me in this world or not, or am I doomed to trying to fill the place of other people who haven't doen what they're supposed to. Sort of like a substitute teacher.

I don't like it. I want to be me, but at the same time, I want there to be that special place, too. It's so nice to feel like that, and for me, rare.

I need to paint when I get home from work.