I found pottery studio space at the Arts Alliance and within 15 minutes (or less!) was making a fish sculpture. I feel sane again, feel like myself for a change. :-) I wish that I could get your feedback while I'm working, but.....this cannot be. I wish I had been able to articulate what you meant to me, when I still had a chance to talk to you, when you still heard me. I just took all of that for granted. I was such a fool, such a coward.

Things are strange now. Now I think back on all the times you were near me, and I didn't breathe more deeply, when I heard your voice, and I could have listened more than I did...when I wasn't afraid to look into your eyes, but I simply didn't. Those are the things that pain me.

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Dinner....salad. Arugula, spinach, romaine, fennel...radicchio, olives, blue cheese cubes, and pear gorgonzola or huckleberry vinaigrette dressing. I should make something else. I have free range ground beef. But...it reminds me of you. Cooking reminds me of you. Of all the things that I would like to make....to eat with you. And then....then it is only my son and I. I am not hungry...will make him something to eat. I think about how, before things got this way....I was passionate about food and made so many good things. I loved it because I'd pretend I was cooking for you....it seems so long ago. So long ago.

I miss you so much...and am sorry for the things I said last week. I was upset.