Friday, July 08, 2011

I miss you. I'm so ashamed of myself...for being so weak, for not having the strength to get back to my feet....for not knowing the right things to do, the right things to say. Maybe there weren't any right things to say or do.

I know that I've become the classic textbook case of a person with Asperger's in love, an easily visible and accessible example of why relationships just can't work for people like me. That should hurt me....but it doesn't. I'm so used to being a case study, and all my energy is focused on making it through the day...

I feel the thing inside that makes me want to live, to see and breathe and eat and work and's just died. I'm like a necklace that someone's pulled all the string out of.

I never thought I'd ever feel this way about anyone again. I thought it died and was buried with him when they closed the lid of the coffin. I don't say that for pity....that's not what I mean....what I mean is, I lived for so long without it, for almost 15 years. How did I live for so long like that? Knowing he was gone, not expecting anything but a lifetime of filling in hours and days and weeks and years until I might see him seems like there were times when I was motivated and happy and satisfied with life.....

I don't know how to get there again. It seems a world away.

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