Monday, August 22, 2011

Dreamed that I was in a happy relationship with a woman. And then, she wanted to dump me and I was begging her to stay and try to work things out. Ugh!!!

And---> I regularly have dreams about being pregnant or having a baby. I don't know if it's that being a mother has become so much a part of my identity that I can't give up the whole pregnancy thing or if it has to do with trying to process and grieve over not being able to bear children anymore. For all the complaining that I've heard from a lot of women, I loved being pregnant. I loved it...all of it...except maybe for the fatigue. Sometimes I think that it was the coziness of having a little being enclosed within my own body...always with me, experiencing most of the same things, sharing everything from my food to the adrenaline and cortisol coursing through my system when I almost stepped on a snake. There was always someone to talk to. It was maybe the only time in my life when I didn't feel alone for extended periods of time.

And when I read that, it seems so codependent, so pathological. :-( All I can say is that there was something about the experience that nurtured me just as I nurtured those children.

No comments:

Post a Comment