There is no consolation. Life hurts. I hurt, and it keeps on hurting.

The memory of how you used to light up when you saw me passes unbidden through my mind and I ache...I try not to think of how it is now, not to compare, to push the why why whys into the background and stay busy, to run away from the pain.

I think of how gentle you were, are....how even though I never see you anymore, you are still alive somewhere, alive, not like him. And a part of me wonders for a moment if you are real, or if this is something I imagined, like a dream that only seems real but isn't. Maybe I am crazy. I think of the cell phone. If the number is real.....no. Don't call. I am not crazy, not crazy, not crazynotcrazy. I did not make this shit up. The fish...the fish is there, above my heart. Breathe....you're not crazy, it's real.