Monday, August 15, 2011

I still don't know what to do. It's tempting to send in the petition and hope it goes through, take it philosophically if it doesn't. But:

If it doesn't go through, it's going to feel like another rejection. And that's going to crush me (more). I'll feel like a failure (more than I already do, I mean). I don't know if I can afford to risk being rejected as a student.

God, what a whiny ass I am. Ugh!!!!

On the other hand, if it does get accepted....I'll be scared to death all semester that I might fall apart and fail (again). Sometimes anxiety is a good thing. And jesus christ, how can I fail two classes that I already took 75% of (how did I manage to fail them in the first place?)? No way can I fail Abnormal Psych and Western Art History I again. God, the other students didn't even think about the course material! I didn't fail because I was grades were fine until....until crap happened. I ran out of gas, and money. I ran out of the will to live. Crap could happen again.

Crap can always happen again. How do I find the courage to takes risks again, to plan ahead for more than a couple of days in advance? How do I learn to trust myself again, after failing so spectacularly?

And can I ever trust myself to be vulnerable, to take that chance, ever again? Is anyone, and I mean anyone, ever going to get closer to me than arm's length? I can't......even......imagine. No....I don't think so. No, it hurts too fucking much and I'm so tired of always being the fool.


I'm not saying this to try to make you feel bad....I was messed up before and I'm still messed up now. It's just, I don't see any point in trying any longer. I used to believe, I used to hope. Those things are dead in me now. You did what you had to do and I'm sure you had your reasons. I knew the risks as soon as I fell for's why I was such a terrified bundle of nerves...because I knew exactly what was coming down the pike. But....i love you. So I chose it anyway.

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