Don't wanna hurt anymore. I mean I am sick and tired of being triggered, tired of hurting, tired of worrying and stressing. Every time I get triggered it fucks up the next 2-3 days, and then, just as I'm recovering, it happens again! I can't live like that. Going to have to just take care of myself. My kids need me around, they need me not merely alive but functional and alive.

Have started a new-to-me kind of therapy called EMDR which is reputed to be very effective for PTSD, trauma, anxiety, etc. The first session went fairly well and I felt much better afterwards. Today's sessions dredged up all sorts of stuff, chained together, and the therapist concluded that we have to work on some of the grieving issues....and of course, she was right. We forgot to end the session with meditation as we did the first time, and I am feeling a bit fragile and raw.

So...trying to be nice to myself tonight, take it easy. Don't know what to do about my relationship with my partner. Are we partners? I don't know. Thinking about that will hurt....stop. Rest. Relax. Be nice...no stress....

Planted a fraction of the winter squash seeds, along with summer squash, corn, sunflowers, jerusalem artichokes, dry beans (two native american varieties, both rare and ancient), lots of nasturtiums, tomatillos.... Going through the winter squash seeds is emotionally hard on me. Having at long last recovered the varieties originally from Daniel Haugen, which i had spent years breeding and selecting, these were what I planted first. The seed is over ten years old; whether any of it grows or not is uncertain, but i have to try. He has been dead for 17 years, and I haven't been the same since. Every broken relationship, every love lost, just seems to hammer the same painful message into my heart: hope is dead and there's no bringing it back or finding it anywhere else.

Where to go? What to do? What about the many people that I love and want to be near?

I don't have any answers yet. I feel so tired, feel so sick, feel like I want to be wrapped up in a blanket and nurtured until whatever this bug is goes away, and my energy comes back. I am upset with myself. I hurt the people I love without meaning to, I can't be all the things that one should be, I'm not strong enough, not there enough, my love runs deep but following through on the way I would like to be is an ongoing struggle. I fail the people I love... :-(

Trying really hard not to get profoundly depressed, and I'll be honest, it isn't easy. Then I think about where it's all heading, how to avoid being in this position, and the answers and solutions aren't at all comforting or reassuring. I can only hope to be wrong, to be pleasantly surprised. Try not to think about it, try not to hurt, try not to notice the obvious....

And on that note, my own forecast for the weekend:

Friday opens out with partly sunny skies, but towards the afternoon, a strong chance of thundershowers with a precipitous drop in temperatures, near freezing overnight.
Saturday, the weather is likely to get worse rather than better. 90% chance of continued thunderstorms with hail, freezing rain, sleet and cold winds. Better stay home if you can. Saturday late afternoon and evening, it may clear up, 50% chance of continued cold drizzle, remote possibility of sunshine and clearer skies.
Sunday will be warmer, sunnier than Saturday, but there's still a chance of Saturday's storm front blowing back into the area, so don't get too complacent!

I had written before about what I was wanting in a relationship, and a friend emailed me, saying that his obsevration of me was not consistent with what I was claiming to want. I have been considering this deeply since that email, because I think he had some valid points. With that in mind....

What I think I want: A best friend that is also a lover in a very passionate sense. I want a deep, close, intimate bond with another person. Also, recipricocity, because----> I want and really, really need to feel safe in the relationship. I need to know that my closeness/status with the other person is secure despite challenges and changes that come along in the course of life. Equality is imperative.

What I don't want: To be controlled, constricted, and most especially, hurt, sidelined or rejected.

I was going to write that I don't want a husband/marriage partner, but the truth of that matter is that if it were important to the other party and if all other things were working, I would consider the legal protection and paperwork involved, with a LOT of caveats. The other party would have to know and accept that the realtionship would not be anything like a traditional, standard "marriage" and that the paperwork would be there primarily to assure legal protection for time/monetary/interest investment in a shared life. I've been in several relationships which involved living together with no legal protection, and I ended up losing badly twice...and there was nothing I could do about it. It sucks to expend a ton of work, or to rack up debt in a shared life together and then be left either empty handed or worse, with a huge bill. There are other aspects of legal protection which are reserved for marriage; I don't agree with the way this stuff works, but it is what it is and I can understand wanting some security in these areas.

Working on my farming business plan...even though I have as yet no place to farm.

Criteria for inclusion in this plan :

• Permaculture/Restoration Agriculture/Agroforestry crops. Trees and perennials have priority.
• Crops which will grow readily in our climate without excessive care and fussing.
• Crops which store well and do not need to sell within a few days have priority, although there are some exceptions, such as berries. Will probably need a BIG freezer in order to deal with these. Still- I do *not* want to deal with a hundred pounds of lettuce or baby salad greens per week, panicking to move them before they wilt. And speaking of baby salad greens...
• Low/minimal labor.
• Crops for which there is a ready market/demand. It would be very cool to grow medlars, however I am not going to be the one to create that market. Belgian endive, for example, would be a wonderful crop to grow, if and only if there is a market for it.
• Multi-use crops, multi-harvest crops, and crops whose "waste" has a practical/productive use are preferred. For example, fallen/substandard apples make good livestock feed and the prunings are good for smoking wood or barbeques.
• Conservation/heirloom varieties or species.
• Multi-function crops. For example, narcissus bulbs deter gophers from eating tree roots, as all daffodils are toxic. Even though daffodils aren't edible, they are worth planting for this reason alone, and the blooms can also be sold as cutflowers, which will not affect the deterrent qualities of the bulbs at all. Also, harvesting the blooms will cause the bulbs to multiply more readily, and the extra bulbs when divided, could be sold.

This is just for plants and trees. I have seperate (but similar) criteria for animals.

I had a dream last night which left me unsettled, one which laid my fears bare and exposed.

Things I am afraid of....

• Not belonging/not fitting in/being in the way/unwelcome
• Looking/feeling foolish/humiliated in front of other people
• Not being loved any longer, by someone who used to love me.
• Being deceived/betrayed/lied to
• Being easily replaced
• Feeling disposable/merely convenient/not valued.

It was only a dream....but- it was fairly telling. And now, how to address/deal with all this ugly insecurity?

My brain is not at all rational when it gets triggered or upset. In fact, it is downright self destructive in that state. I am always upset and embarrased with myself once I come to my senses again, and swear that I will try to keep a better grip on reality next time, but unfortunately, PTSD is not very susceptible to willpower. The only way to beat this is going to be through therapy and serious, continued effort at healing the underlying stuff. I am so sorry for the people around me who have to deal with it. :-(