Thursday, September 25, 2003

Current mood- I don't know. Kind of bothered, though it's hard to articulate why. I spent most of yesterday applying for a job. First, I had to find a daycare that would take the baby for me. You just don't walk in job hunting with a kid on your hip. So I found a nice place after some roaming around, left him there. When I got to the place and pulled up in my shitty car in front of this professional looking building, surrounded by a lot of really nice vehicles, my confidence began to dive. The gal I spoke to apparently didn't think much of me either, didn't seem to think I should even bother filling out an application, but I did it anyway, since I'd already gone to quite a bit of trouble to do so. She said a lot of very qualified people had already applied, after which I felt about 3 inches tall. When I handed the application in, I mentioned that I have a bit of experience in several areas which would directly relate to the job in question, and wrote down the URLs to my websites as an afterthought. Now I wish I'd spent even more time updating and monkeying with them. I love to do it, but my partner just hates it for some reason, and it's hard to concentrate with so many kids running around. I've got a few ideas I want to implement in the next day or two. Anyway, so as I left, I began to feel very lonely, and...I don't know, just really depressed. I mean, what am I? What do I really have in the way of concrete acheivements? Even in my otherworld of thought, of books, music, visions, and ideas, is there anything new or noteworthy of significance? I sort of doubt it...I've always wanted to be different, always striven to be unconventional, but with a sense of panic I realized that I've become really ordinary, just a housewife and mother of five children, who dabbles in various pursuits with varying degrees of mediocrity. This whole single mother with kids in daycare role isn't one I've ever wanted to play. As I was driving back to pick up the baby, the thought crept into my mind, and then lodged there solidly: I'm a nothing. I've lived 30 years and nothing I've done has amounted to any consequence, none of it matters or means anything. I felt so bleak that I picked up the boys from home and drove around town and various places until the edge of the mood had been dulled somewhat, many hours later.

So I don't know; what do I live for? What really matters and makes the hassle that we call life bearable and palatable, makes me *glad* to be alive? What is there to strive towards?

  • Love- as far as I'm concerned this is just about the only thing really worth living for. Were you to talk to me in person about it, I'd sound pretty jaded and cynical, but that's only because it matters so much and I'm disappointed with the way things have worked out. I have a very definite idea of exactly what I want, and I won't compromise for anything else. So, moving right along here,
  • Art- If I could be a serious artist and do the sort of work that expresses what I want it to, that'd be worth living for. I could sublimate the drive for the above into my art and be reasonably content. Maybe. With that in mind, I went through my sketchbooks and drawings this morning. There's very little recent work, and virtually none from the past five or six years. I've been too preoccupied with mudane tasks, and there just isn't much to show for it. What there is, tends to be good, but not what I'd call stellar. It's a little too self concious and constrained. Anyway, maybe there's hope here. We'll see.
  • The goats- To me, goats fall into the same category as art. They're labors of love. And to some extent, a well bred dairy goat is like a walking, living sculpture, always changing position. I've done a lot of work with the genetics and the goats definitely have some potential, if only we could feed and manage them a little better. People are constantly telling me to give up the goats. They don't realize what they're asking.
  • The children- I don't care if this _should_be_ at the top of the list. I can't afford to have it there. I'm not good enough at mothering to make it my main goal in life. But I do care about them deeply and whenever I feel suicidal they're most of the reason why I stay.

I wish I could say that writing down this list has given me some perspective or made me feel better in some way, but it hasn't. It only makes me aware of the deficiencies. Anyway- this is the last day I have alone to establish any changes I want to make, so I should curtail the navel gazing and get working- (on what, though?). God, I miss you.

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