So I don't know; what do I live for? What really matters and makes the hassle that we call life bearable and palatable, makes me *glad* to be alive? What is there to strive towards?
- Love- as far as I'm concerned this is just about the only thing really worth living for. Were you to talk to me in person about it, I'd sound pretty jaded and cynical, but that's only because it matters so much and I'm disappointed with the way things have worked out. I have a very definite idea of exactly what I want, and I won't compromise for anything else. So, moving right along here,
- Art- If I could be a serious artist and do the sort of work that expresses what I want it to, that'd be worth living for. I could sublimate the drive for the above into my art and be reasonably content. Maybe. With that in mind, I went through my sketchbooks and drawings this morning. There's very little recent work, and virtually none from the past five or six years. I've been too preoccupied with mudane tasks, and there just isn't much to show for it. What there is, tends to be good, but not what I'd call stellar. It's a little too self concious and constrained. Anyway, maybe there's hope here. We'll see.
- The goats- To me, goats fall into the same category as art. They're labors of love. And to some extent, a well bred dairy goat is like a walking, living sculpture, always changing position. I've done a lot of work with the genetics and the goats definitely have some potential, if only we could feed and manage them a little better. People are constantly telling me to give up the goats. They don't realize what they're asking.
- The children- I don't care if this _should_be_ at the top of the list. I can't afford to have it there. I'm not good enough at mothering to make it my main goal in life. But I do care about them deeply and whenever I feel suicidal they're most of the reason why I stay.
I wish I could say that writing down this list has given me some perspective or made me feel better in some way, but it hasn't. It only makes me aware of the deficiencies. Anyway- this is the last day I have alone to establish any changes I want to make, so I should curtail the navel gazing and get working- (on what, though?). God, I miss you.