Friday, September 19, 2003

I was looking at my paintings tonight, remembering what they meant/mean when I did them, trying to imagine another one. Putting my thoughts/feelings into words, especially verbally, is never easy for always seems to come out half hearted or not quite right somehow, lacking force, or if it is fully expressed, tends to embarrass me. Expression is definitely not a strong point here, which is why art and music mean so much to me. Actually, it's probably why I like Elton John's music- because it's soooo expressive. Anyway, where was I headed with this? Oh, yeah. If I could make a painting now, it'd express that people are like onions. Or nuts, maybe. What I mean is that there is this facade, this shell that gets presented to the extrernal world, and it's like a protection, but the inner person is underneath all that. Some people have a whole lot of facade and not much under it. Not infrequently, the outward identity doesn't match with the inner one. Artichokes, they have all these layers and layers of leaves (petals actually- it's a flowerbud) and only the barest hint of its true nature at the base of each leaf. And then, after a lot of work and perseverence, you encounter a rosette of prickly. spikey thorns, enclosing the soft and tender heart. To look at the plant, it's hard to believe that something so weedy could possibly yield anything like an artichoke heart. It looks for all the world like a thistle on steroids. Anyway, I've been rambling again...but it just goes to show that appearances can be deceptive.

Then there is role playing. People play their little roles and do what they're expected to do because after all, it's the acceptable thing (acceptable to others, that is...) and between that and the frigging facades, they could just about forget they ever had any other kind of an identity. I'm so sick and tired of living by someone else's script. Let them live their own roles if that's what they want. And why would anyone want to deal with other people on a daily basis with whom they have to constantly maintain a kind of protection? It's a strain and a pain, and it's why I don't have more than a few friends. If you can't be real with someone, why bother at all beyond the barest necessities?

So that's my rant for tonight. I'm lonely. I don't think I've really given anyone a hug know, I honestly can't remember. Probably one of my kids or a goat. It's been a long time. :-/

I'm not depressed though. Things are definitely changing for the better. Today I passed the driving test and finally got my license! It may seem like a small thing until you consider I've had the instruction permit for about 7-8 years and renewed it several times. Finally having the license is going to be a huge difference. Next I need to procure a job and living arrangements of some kind. Also, to streamline the goat herd and trim it down to only what is needed for the breeding program. It looks as though there are at least seven that can go immediately, plus two to butcher, and two being boarded temporarily. So that's -11 right there. I have no idea how many are out there at present, about 30? Too many. Which reminds me- I need to milk and feed them now. ;-)

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