Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Hmmmm. Looked at this tonight. I don't know yet what to think about it. I couldn't believe how the list went on and on, one guy after another. People aren't something to use up and throw away. I guess that for the sake of brevity, she didn't list all the facts, and there may've been more to it than what she wrote. But still...to play around with someone's heart like that...to induce them to let down their guard, and then walk away, knowing that they love you...why start in the first place? Why not spare them the pain?

Could I write such a list- I don't know. Objectivity tends to be a strong trait for me, but not in that area. Emotional stuff is my achilles heel, which is why I tend to steer clear of it if I can. Maybe that's why I don't even want to think about compiling my own series of accounts. The other thing is that, well, to look at people and relationships that way, as in 'what did I get out of it', bothers me. I can honestly say that in every serious relationship I've had, I was hoping it'd be THE one, THE soulmate and lifelong companion and confidante. Maybe that was asking too much, but I still feel that a mate should be more than a sex partner, they should also be a best friend, the sort of person you trust above all others and would gladly walk through hell for if they needed you. Anything less just isn't worth bothering with. There's nothing like looking into someone's eyes, knowing that they understand you, that you can be honest with them, that your minds mesh, to have that tacit communication that transcends words. It's rare, but it's the only thing worth having, IMO. Settling for less just highlights the absence of what should be and isn't.

Enh. :shakes off sentimentality for a moment, knowing it will likely settle onto me again, like a veil: There is still a lot of work I have to do around here. Trash to run to the dump (again- there's a lot of it built up over the years), cleaning, people to email, bills to pay, the worst of it is letter writing. I hate writing letters except when I'm truly inspired. The insincerity of filling an entire page with trivialities and polite nothings irks me to no end, and then you have to start all over on yet another, and another... I love my relatives, but they aren't interested in the things that really matter to me, so why write? Maybe if I set a quota; one letter a day. God, that sounds like some kind of a sentence or punishment. I suppose I could make a marathon of it and get it all over with in an hour or two. Unfortunately, they sometimes compare letters, so I have to dredge up *different* insincere trivialities for each letter, and by the time I've done two or three, my mind runs dry and blank. If only I could paint a picture instead, and scrawl a short note on the back- 'Thanks for the X, here is what bloomed today in the garden'. I should try that sometime. It'd be a lot more palatable to me. It isn't the usual, but they've long since become accustomed to other than expected interactions by now anyway. I could tell them all about my breedign plans for the goats and that the bucks are coming into rut, and the does in heat...but on second thought, I do believe they'd rather have a picture. ;^D

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