I have been plagued for some time by my youngest son, Charlie, getting into my art stuff. He empties the little containers of graphite for the mechanical pencils, scribbles with my pastels, breaks my charcoal, dumps out the metallic powders used for special effects, and I just discovered a puddle of misket (expensive!!!) on my art desk. He find my Sharpie markers and draws on the walls (Sharpie is so hard to clean off walls without removing paint!), uses up my tracing paper....etc. I put his crayons in a dishpan, and his coloring books nestle in on top of the crayons, and I shoved that into a cupboard in the kitchen island. When he colors and draws, there is paper all over the kitchen floor to step around, and believe me, he gets upset if I step on or move any of them while I'm cooking or walking around. Worst of all, his coolest drawings get wrecked from being on the floor. Clearly, we have some needs which need to be addressed.

So I cleaned out the desk that used to belong to my eldest son (that was a little hard) and filled the drawers with Charlies art supplies and some of the things of mine that he seemed to really like, such as the soft pastel samples that were on sale at the college for .25 each. He has a flat surface to draw on, a drawer to store his finished work in, hmmmm...he needs a chair. I am hoping to get some butcher paper and just cover the walls of that corner in several layers of it. If it weren't for the sensory issues involved with chalk (I can't stand the stuff), I'd get him a blackboard. Or if I can get one cheaply, a whiteboard... But paper is cheaper anyway.

Hopefully he will have room to work and express himself, because he really does turn out some nice drawings.

I guess that it is still hard for me to accept that my eldest son is gone. Although he was a pain in the ass, and always knew exactly where to drive the knife in and when....he and I shared a very close bond, and I sometimes feel that I've failed him by letting/having him move. I hope that things work out for him where he is....I really, really do. I guess we aren't supposed to get as close to our children as I was to him...it feels like a betrayal to use what was his space for something else.

A truth---> You don't see strong negative emotions or marked reactions unless there has been some kind of equally strong attachment.