Tuesday, February 17, 2004

I fully realize that I've become decidedly disagreeable in the past few years. I'm not really into apologizing for it. Consider: when has change towards my goals and wants (yes that sounds selfish but I'll use it because it's the truth) ever resulted from my being compliant? _Never_ When I've gone along for the ride, swallowed my doubts or misgivings or what I *really* wanted, I ended up in some pretty unpleasant fixes. When I've had the nerve to makes changes happen, and screw what anyone thinks of it (within reason,OK?) that's when I've been able to say: "This is what I wanted. Now I have it."

Otherwise I just sort of float along on someone else's river, going wherever they take me, waterfalls, rapids, boulders, whatever, too bad. I am just fucking sick and tired of that. Noone else is *entitled* to my life, it's mine. When it's screwed up, will they care? No. If I'm not happy and they are, will they care? No, not as long as they can maintain the illusion that I'm happy. They get pissed if I do that. The bottom line is that as long as my condition causes no direct unhappiness to the other party, they care not a whit what's going on from my perspective. So who's selfish? Me, for wanting to run my own life? Hey, I've got no interest at all in running anyone else's. I just don't want to waste another day being unproductive and unhappy, feeling like I've frittered my life away catering to the dictates of other people.

So yes, I'm contrary and obstinate. My life depends on it.

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