Men

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I've realized anew that I feel very comfortable and at ease in the company of men, moreso by far than that of women. It makes sense: I was raised by a single dad from 7-14. Before that, from 3-7, I lived with his parents and younger brothers. My uncles were only seven and eight years older than me, so they were more like brothers. I avoided the women in the family and spent the bulk of my time alone or tussling with my favorite person in the world, uncle Charlie. I loved him with the sort of fervour that I've felt for very few since.*

All my life, I've preferred men. They seem simpler and more straightforward than women, but it's more than that. I'm out of my element with other women, even those that I like. They seem unstable and emotional, and prone to change loyalties based on feelings or whims. They look down on me, because I'm not feminine. No, I'm not, and I don't particularly want to be. The only time I do feel feminine is when I'm in love, and I don't know that it's so much feminine as it is female- and perhaps a bit more domestic than usual. The rest of the time, I'm fairly androgynous, or feel that way. It's a little inconvenient, because people read me as small, vulnerable girl, (ick!) and not an intelligent one at that. Dealing with people's expectations is such a fricking pain....ugh. The women friends that I do have, have some pretty definite similarities: they all tend to be no-nonsense, blunt, outspoken types who are physically capable and down to earth- traits typically thought of as masculine, and all traits that I prefer men for.

So far, so good. Decent, intelligent men are pleasant. So are forthright, strong women. The problem comes when a man decides that he wants to own me and that I'm unhappy being the way I am, that what I need is someone to shelter and coddle me and give me the chance to bring out all the lacy dresses and ruffly curtains they're so sure I'd love to have, and wait dotingly for him to return each night while I attend to household delights. :excuse me while I get sick: I've gone through this several times now: "When you marry me, you won't ever have to split wood or work outside again, you can stay in the house" "I'll take care of you and you can stay at home and...." "I found something for you- (frilly, beribboned piece of sentimental crap, when I wanted a book)". Do they mistake quietness for meekness and therefore a pliable, womanly nature? That's a mistake, alright...and boy, are they mad and upset when they find it out!

I want to be an equal, a person in my own right, not some sort of an advanced pet. Trying to reform me into the feminine ideal is futile...forget it. No, what it'd take is for someone to like and accept me the way I am.
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*footnote- I've thought about Uncle Charlie a lot lately. They say that people typically use the same sex parent as a role model and the opposite sex parent as the one from which they select traits they desire in a mate. Obviously I had problems with this- l had only one parent for the most part, and finding men like him has been disastrous. I've come to think that any prominent same or opposite sex figure the child is attached to can be used as a template. I emulated several aunts and a grandmother besides my mom and dad as role models, so it actually makes a good deal of sense that I'd look beyond my dad in other areas as well.