Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Still bleak. Going through The Courage to Heal Workbook right now. Does it help? *shrug* I'm not sure yet. It makes me think though.

Have you ever gotten an injection and cringed at the needle? I used to be positively phobic of shots and needles; it took a nurse or two to keep me from instinctively pulling away just as the nurse was going to jab me. I still don't like them; I'd be a poor diabetic. The nurses everywhere I've been have this terrifying technique: they poise with the needle or syringe, all ready to go, and then they just freeze, about an inch from your flesh. Alright...you'll feel something cold...(alcohol swab)....I'm moving the needle towards your arm...you're going to feel a prick....it'll sting just a little bit...okay....hold still...I'm about to do it.......Arrgh!!! By the time they finally get it over with, I'm a nervous wreck!! Another thing, they tend to want you to watch. Why in the hell I'd want to watch is beyond me. These days I look away, hold very still, and tell them _not_ to tell me, just to do it and get it over with as quickly as possible. They're always surprised at this!

Them- "You don't want to know before I do it?" :look of total disbelief:
Me- "No. Just do it."
Them-(doubtfully) "Well, if you say so..."

I guess they think I'll move at the last minute. The thing is, I expect the pain, but it really isn't much. I can deal with it. It's the anticipation that kills me. Once I feel the needle, it's over, and I don't mind anymore. Anyway, I'm realizing that this dread of bad/painful/unpleasant things happening paralyzes me in a lot of other areas. When I was a kid, I goofed off in church one day. My dad said he'd belt me when we got home. I was in a state of terror. We got home. No spanking...yet. I dreaded that spanking for a day or two. He apparently forgot. I tell you, that incident was far more traumatic than any spanking or other discipline he ever dished out. I couldn't enjoy anything, all I could think of was wondering when the spanking would come. Here are the lyrics to a song by Billy Joel that expresses it perfectly on another angle. All he can think of is the axe (or needle..heh.) Yep. Dread is often worse than the actual event. Maybe.

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