There must be some sort of purpose to my life, some sort of answer to this pain, but I cannot find it tonight, nor do I believe that their is some divine being who can show it to me. I think the more succinct way to phrase it would be that I have been having an existential crisis for the past 15 months and am still coming up dry. I don't believe that the answer it "out there" anyway. Meaning is something that we have to make for ourselves....but i just do not have the strength to do that right now.