Thursday, July 17, 2003

In the garden- the lavender is in bloom, as I think I mentioned before. I counted six different types of bees pollinating it: honeybees, bumblebees, huge elongated bumble-type bees, small fuzzy golden bees, and two sorts of small black bees. It's fun to watch them; they treat each sort of flower differently; but they seem to prefer the lavender. I'll have to plant more of it, it doesn't need much water and has been one of the more rewarding plants we've put in so far.

Lately, I often think that I don't know what to believe in anymore. Is there such a thing as truth? What is it, where is it? Are there any answers at all, or do we simply deceive ourselves into believing what we feel most comfortable and secure with? What irks me is that when I ask questions like this, I don't ever get any straight answers. More often than not, I get a bunch of rotten, worn out banalities and platitudes, or a heartfelt emotional reassurance, which leaves me with the uneasy sense that the person in question is actually attempting to reassure themselves rather than me.

I think I still believe in the golden rule; it seems like the only sustainable way to behave, since everything else would eventually backfire in one way or another. Perhaps sustainability is the measure? I find that I am often plagued by a feeling that I should be doing something, that I've been idle. But almost everything I consider, when I draw it to its conclusion, seem pointless. When I was a kid, I used to draw mazes, really involved, elaborate mazes. And that is the way it seems- like drawing into one dead end after another, finding a lead that looks workable, and it's not.

I can kind of see where orgnized religion comes in handy; it takes all the guesswork out of it. if you have a question, just look it up in the bible. Can't find it, then ask your pastor. So simple! I can almost envy them.

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