Repetition compulsion.

Another way of saying that my psyche is going to find ways to sabotage me and cause pain despite all my best efforts to avoid it and that every time is going to be like reliving all of it, a lifetime of it, all at once. This means that the pain will not stay the same. Every time this happens to me, it is going to be worse. And that...is not good.

It's like having to live through variations of the same nightmare over and over again, except that you don't get to wake up. There are no comforting arms to melt into, no familiar heartbeat. No.

Like love, these are things reserved for other people. I don't know why, and I am tired to death of asking why, am not going to ask why anymore because it doesn't matter if it isn't going to ever be different. Some things just are. I can resent it, I can blame, can despair, can wish that I were able to be a plain vanilla girl despite the inherent horror of that. But that doesn't change anything. Some things simply cannot be changed and fighting it is useless.