Friday, May 04, 2012

Am plagued by insecurity, feeling dorky. But really, does it matter, as long as I'm happy and not hurting anyone? Maybe. Happened upon a friend in the coffee shop and made a new acquaintance, another gardening fanatic. The three of us chatted at high speed about species, cultivars, seed saving, intensely and not nearly long enough. And...I found my mouth not cooperating with my brain, not speaking coherently, not transmitting what I wanted it to say. I felt stupid, impaired, even though both ladies knew that I am not unintelligent. This happens to me far more often than I care to admit.

Have just started reading this book. It is fascinating stuff so far, exploring the drive for immortality, Neo-Darwinism and other neat stuff. There's a scientist...oh, her name eludes me now...OK, found her: Lynn Margulis. Oh man, she's dead! Reading this sort of stuff always makes me wish I was still a science major. :-/

Anyway, one of the thought brought up in the book is that the reason humanity is so fucked up is that unlike other species, we're aware that death is inevitable, and this creates all sorts of conflict within us as we try to escape this fact, to deny it, to achieve immortality in some way. Childbearing, art, accruing wealth, "making a mark" on the world, the idea of cloning, building structures that last, monuments, it's all about trying to elude death in some fashion. Most of what humans do is about denial.

And....I am missing modeling, not because of the money (it paid well) or for exhibitionist reasons (people have told me that blogging is a form of exhibitionism- does that make my readers voyeurs?) or even because I got my feet wet in art again (although that meant a lot to me, too), but because there was something about it that made me feel very aware of and in my body. I began to feel integrated, mind and body together, rather than the usual disconnect, to feel truly comfortable in the form that encloses me. It was well worth any embarrassment or sense of vulnerability. There must be some other way to continue fusing, tying together, mind and body until I'm that way all the time.

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