Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I am having quite the struggle with my inner bitch lately. For years, my friends urged me to grow a spine and a set of teeth...now it is so hard not to use those teeth at any provocation. I fear holding back, don't want to end up subjugated and held hostage by other people's feelings, manipulations and plans for me.....again.

Also, how to balance a legacy of mistreatment and abuse, to be able to say that no, actually, that wasn't OK.....and still be Quakerly? My solution is always one of disengagement: "Yeah, that sucked, I don't ever want that again, sure I'll forgive, just leave me alone, period. Leave me the fuck alone." I have a feeling that this isn't going to cut it.

It's ironic and funny in the darkest possible way, that this is precisely what you're doing to me. Of all the people in the world, I probably deserve it, having dished it out to some many others......but honestly, it was and many times is, the only way I know how to cope. Confrontation, having to admit having grudges against people, confessing that yeah, I'm angry, scares the bejeezus out of me. I only force myself into it when the person means enough to me that going through the shaky nerves and vulnerability that comes along with discussing whatever mess occurred is worth it.

So.......that's it, isn't it? I'm not. Worth it. It's easier to shove me into the land of non-existence and additionally, that saves an awful lot of face.

And if only I could get to the same place in regard to you, this would be perfect. Sort of.

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