Sunday, October 09, 2011

A question for myself:

As a person with Asperger's and various other conditions, as a person who is technically homeless, as a single mother, and as a "survivor" (the feel-good word for "subject") of various sorts of childhood and adult abuse, where does one draw the line between asking for what they need and "milking it", an accusation that is most frequently leveled against me by people who seem to be doing pretty well in life?

I don't really care what people think, other than the handful of those who are near and dear to me. As far as I'm concerned, most people are a total waste of the brain cells and lives they received (tsk,tsk, that isn't very charitable) and they hardly ever ask me for my opinion on their life choices, so thank you very much, but no, I don't need theirs about mine. What does matter to me is being able to look at myself in the mirror every morning without feeling ashamed of something I have done.

In my opinion, I play down a lot of the horrors in my past (and current life), but what if that isn't the case? I get a lot of grief from people (family in particular) who tell me that I should move on with life and quit thinking about the past. But when my present is constantly triggering that past, it makes more sense to me to try to work through those things and get them settled (as best they can be).

Part of it may also be that my present life isn't stable enough to allow me to just get it all out of my system and move on productively. See, in addition to the old stuff, there's also the new stuff which piles up at a fairly constant rate and which triggers similar elements in the old. I end up playing damage control, dealing with whatever is freaking me out the worst. This occurs every couple of days.

At any rate, people accuse me of invoking my disability inappropriately. I am regularly told that I am "normal", which frankly, is insulting. Yeah, that's right. Telling me that I am normal is not only not helpful, it's not a compliment. It implies also that if I'm odd or strange or impaired, I must be going to extreme lengths to do so. Mostly though, I don't find normalcy to be all that appealing. It isn't something I ever aspire to be- being a more functional, less freaked out version of myself is the goal, not being a sheeple clone. :-/

Is it unfair to society for me to be at relative peace with the labels that describe me? And if so, why? Is it unfair for me to demand that they accept me as I am, within reason?

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