Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Why do I act so hostile? I don't feel hostile, I just hurt. I think this is a defense mechanism......i know that no matter what I do, you are never, ever, going to talk to me again. I give up. There's nothing I can do. This hurts me more than anything else in my life ever has. Pain is not rational. I would give or do anything at all to change the way things are, but it's beyond my hands, and I've already broken myself in half trying to find the answers.

I don't want to feel afraid when I see you. I don't want that adrenaline rush. If nothing else, If nothing else, just to be able to be in the same general area without that sense of (this is a person who cannot stand the sight, sound, of me. This is the only person in the world who has the power to crush me into even smaller pieces, and I have no defense at all against him, because.....because....I am weak.....)

There is no strength here....not like you said.

You must have must have known....that you were going to do this.

I am not angry at you. I am not hostile. Just...wounded to the point of insensibility and not wanting to hurt any worse.

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