Sunday, October 09, 2011

The other thing that is bothering me is that it seems to have been OK that I have been abused by names which shall not here be named. It isn't that I can't forgive, but sadly, forgiveness for this kind of thing is not an instantaneous matter. I am still triggered. I have developed an aversion, a fear, to all but the mildest and gentlest men....and also, gay men don't frighten me. My fuse has grown shorter, my triggers more numerous and less reversible than they were in times past.

I might not be irrevocably changed by these things, but it definitely feels that way to me. The impact has been negative and it has been substantial. I mask this fear with contempt for macho men.....and my contempt is real....but it goes deeper than that.

When being around that person triggers you, when you see in your mind their face contorted.....the angry words still screaming in your head.....I don't know how to reconcile all of this with the kind of person I strive to be, particularly in the face of complete denial. I feel unreasonable for not being able to wish this problem away and then....then....... I guess I think that there is a difference between being able to forgive and being able to pretend things never happened and that everything is hunky dory now.

Yes, I am all messed up. I realize that. However, please note, dear readers: it is not a coincidence that I'm all messed up. I didn't get here all by myself. And having to pretend that I hurtful. Having to pretend that Other Person is a victim of my cold-heartedness....feels like a slap in my face.

I am sitting here trembling, having written these things....I don't know what the answers are, or if there are any. I only know that I haven't come across them yet.

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