Saturday, January 28, 2012

I cannot adequately convey how much it hurts me to have failed as a biology major. I love science and its orderly ways, taxonomy in particular. It never occurred to me that I might not be able to make the cut to be a botanist. I had actually wanted to go to medical school. Oh, that seems laughable now. I think that partly I wanted to redeem myself in the eyes of my family, but also blood and guts interest the hell out of me. Gory as it may sound, I've always wanted to participate in a human dissection.

Sigh....I guess that sounds kind of sick. It's only that the human body and how it works is so beautiful...especially the bones.

Plants are my passion, but even so, the idea of being a botanist was always sort of second best. Not being able to do either is just sort of painful. Realizing that most people don't expect much from a mother with Asperger's and six kids anyway isn't much of a consolation. It hurts. I am intelligent. I hate it when people talk down to me, particularly when it's apparent that they're not that bright themselves. And my family...god, I don't even know what to tell them anymore. If it weren't for the math, and particularly the math involved in chemistry, I could probably have done well enough. My grades in the other science classes were good in spite of the long commute, parenting, etc. But "ifs" don't matter.

I might be able to go into scientific illustration. Botanical illustration for example...but there are hundreds of people who are better at this than I am. I love bones....they're so beautiful. I could draw bones.

But...would it pay, that is the question.

I could get EMT or paramedic training and possibly work my way up to the P.A. program in Spokane. Yeah, right....

Phlebotomy is interesting but doesn't pay well. The CNA--> LPN--> RN route is probably not viable due to the social skills required. The psych field is rapidly losing its appeal; however this is still an option. Not sure what's involved in forensic botany or forensic anthropology....probably math....and probably there are no job opportunities anywhere nearby for this. I loved working in the library. I could get a library science degree. I never tire of books and the categorization involved delights me. I wonder if public libraries give their employees health insurance. An additional plus to this idea is that working in libraries does not exhaust or deplete me mentally or emotionally as other jobs have. It is quiet, soothing, restorative work.

Huh. That might be my best bet. :-/

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