Sunday, August 19, 2012

A few weeks ago, I was explaining my reasons for wanting to switch therapists when my friend asked me, "Would it help if I told you that that wasn't something he ever wanted with you?"

I felt eviscerated, speechless, blinded by pain, dissociative....and then you drove in, only seconds later. In retrospect, I am not sure why she thought that might help. It didn't. It only hurt, and kept hurting. It's only in the past week that the answer to her question has come to me:

No, that doesn't help. Rubbing my nose in that sort of thing does not help. Please stop.

What on earth makes anyone think that I ever wanted for the person I would fall so hard for to be you? I didn't want to find myself in such a problematic mess. I never asked to feel bonded to someone to whom I mean nothing at all. It takes years and years for me to heal from this sort of thing and if I'd had a choice in who I would feel this sort of intensity for, I would have tried for something with more certainty and less risk. But we don't get to choose who we just doesn't work that way.

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