I write such horrible things sometimes.....I get so defensive, so reactive, everything hurts. It's like having an abscessed tooth that sends you way beyond the pain threshold every time something enters the mouth which is not exactly the same temperature, or too hard, or too sweet, or whatever... and then there's the constant awareness and being careful and afraid of anything that might trigger it to flare up into being insanely painful again..... I am often ashamed of how badly I cope with this whole thing.....

I can't shake the way I feel about you....it's like the way mycorrhizae work their way into the root system of a plant. It's like asking a lichen to purge itself of the algae in its makeup. Or...like asking a cell to give up the mitochondria that didn't initially belong there at all. I cannot mark you out of my mind, out of my heart, replace you with someone else. It doesn't work that way. I can only try to be inoffensive...try to strengthen other areas of my life...try to hide the limp.