Wait....it seems like my goals in life had something to do with sustainable farming and art. I'll admit that the goals weren't as defined as they could have been, particularly in the art department (antique apple trees and other fruit/nut trees, cutflowers, rare chickens, angora goats and sheep, etc was pretty specific)...but there was some kind of a direction there. That got derailed when I realized that there is just no way I'm going to be able to buy a farm unless I win the lottery or get a job that pays well. Also, I wanted to be a good mom, to be there for my kids....to have a relationship based on love and equality, trust, respect, with actual communication going on. So, that last part probably isn't going to happen, and I don't want any more dysfunctional relationships.... I had all sort of personal goals...

I mean, I think the goals, the general direction, is there, it's just that sometimes I lose hope and it all seems pretty impossible and unlikely. Not only hope...drive....motivation. There are a lot of times when I live primarily for my kids...or because the Friends at the next Quaker meeting will want me to be there....or because I just cannot bear to make that phone call. If I could get the motivation back, probably things would improve.

At any rate, today I was assigned to the landscaping and weed maintenance of the farm we've been picking at. The kids can still pick while I work. This pays better and looks as if it will be more stable.