Sunday, August 12, 2012

Sad. I hurt. Talked to a fellow potter yesterday at the Arts/Crafts fair; this guy has made a life of pottery and has a lot of wisdom and perspective to spare, and he gets right to the point and doesn't mess around playing nicey nice, although he isn't unkind either. He remembered me from last year when I was looking for apprenticeships, asked me how I'm doing since then, regarding my work. Told him. He said the reason I'm not getting anywhere is that I don't have a goal, I don't have a vision. That was uncomfortably close to home. He said that once I find this goal and decide what I want to do, then I can do it and things will work out.

Woke up this morning and saw that he was right. My life is this horrible amalgamation of broken dreams, derailed goals, hopes torn and tattered to shreds by various means and for various reasons. I have lost the courage to try, to dare to hope for anything, to plan or to reach for anything, have resigned myself to believing that I am a person for whom things simply do not work out. There isn't very much that I care deeply about anymore, and people criticize me for quite a bit of what I do care about.

I don't know how to fix this. I have no idea... It's all so senseless, so pointless. I am drifting at sea without any direction, only clinging to some piece of a shipwreck. They want me to forget you, but the memory of your voice, your smile, your eyes, is what sustains me.

I don't know what the answers are to any of this. :-/

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