Monday, August 27, 2012

Today was less productive (hauled off a LOT of garbage cleaned up from the property) but still, we got a reasonable amount done. I am having more and more difficulty waking up at 4 am to get everyone going to the blueberry farm. Well, I wake up, but actually getting out of the time I get up it is closer to 5, or worse. Oh well. My dreams have been....I don't know what they were. They were good, not in an extremely good, extremely interesting way, just...calming, quieting, stop being so freaking upset because it is OK, sorts of dreams. Cannot remember any details or sort of substance at all.

And then, the day sort of continued on in that vein.

I think is so easy to get upset, and then to think it over to death and get more upset...and then to look for or be hypersensitive to the slightest of things to verify whatever horrible end result I arrived at, which will continue the cycle of being distraught....and it can be really hard to get out of that again. It's like one piece of something aversive, whether true, not true, etc, drops into my lap and I immediately run right over to my closet (storage unit!!) of painful horrors of the past and try to figure out what matches up with this new piece, where it fits in, how do all these pieces come together and make sense? And I end up building some sort of a Frankenstein that scares the hell out of me and hurts me, forgetting all the while that if I made it, I can take it apart again....

I mean...there are nice pieces, beautiful pieces...pieces that make everything else seem bearable and worthwhile...that I take out and look over and cherish and put away carefully again. But people tell me that these pieces aren't real, that I'm mistaken, that only the awful ones are genuine. The nice pieces felt real. I look at them and they look real. I can definitely see how they don't match up with the ugly pieces, and maybe that's why they say that.... But they are mine, and I need them. I need to know that life isn't always ugly and painful. Other people don't have to validate or know about them.

--->How can I get to the place where, when something aversive drops into my lap, I stand up calmly and walk away from it without going into that cycle, to begin with?

No comments:

Post a Comment