Exhausted. Not physically....I didn't do much today other than clean and drive children around and try to find a new used pair of jeans that will fit (more on that later)... But while I am happy, very happy, to have my new job, and I honestly give it everything I have, there is something about spending 6 hours confined with other people in a small space that wears me out. The work itself is not that tiring. Dealing with the people and trying to appear normal under stress is. I am still fragile and they don't know it and I am afraid for them to see it. People are no better, nay worse, than animals.....and so I mimic my goats and conceal my injuries, knowing that weakness will only encourage aggression.

But two of them.....it's like they sense it despite all my best efforts. One is about as passive aggressive as a person could be and the other is less so but seems to think it is her position to treat me like a (well, I'm not going to say that word) and I don't like that any more than black people do. She enjoys telling me to do dirty, degrading sorts of jobs and then watching me do them while she stands and chats with her coworkers. I don't mind dirty work- I happily shovel manure, after all. But the ordering and standing watching me with satisfaction pisses me off, possibly because it is so much like my stepdad and especially because she is not a manager and has no real authority over me.

It makes me want to cry with loneliness (although I should have known that coworkers are not friends and cannot be treated as friends) and I feel so weak inside. But....damned if I'll let them see it, and I have years of experience in dealing with passive aggressive people. Oh yes. So I said to myself: Jen, you have to grow your balls back. Even if you don't feel butch anymore because your love for him has brought out the girl in you.....you know how to put that on like a garment, how to step into it like driving a car. So I did. And it worked. But when I was away from them, when I went out to empty the garbage, I let the feminine sway move back into my hips. :-) And....I took time to clean something for the people who are nice to me. They weren't there, maybe they won't see it....but it made me feel better somehow.

And....after months of trying, I have finally come down to my target weight of 120. I am so happy and pleased with myself over this. My ideal is 115....but for now my emphasis is going to be on getting back into shape. I have toe clips for the bike and need to put them on....have skis but locating boots is beginning to seem impossible...however there are still a lot of things I can do to start building muscle instead of flab. And that's why I was buying a new pair of pants....because the old ones are getting a little baggy and saggy!

There's something else I was going to write about but I am exhausted and it can be ruminated on for another day or two.