Random stuff (like usual I guess):

Have the foundation (resist) laid down for another kokanee painting, ready to paint as soon as that dries (probably dry already but I'll paint it tomorrow anyway). It turns out that I'd been leaving a small pair of fins off my others....how very embarrassing....just looked it up...pelvic fins....sigh. And they are on my tattoo, as they should be, so I have no idea how I could have been doing this.

Things that keep me alive:

>My children.

>The echo of my telling you that you didn't have to worry about that, I'd be OK. I had no fucking idea exactly how bad things were about to get...but I gave you my word whether it matters now or not.

>The echo of you telling me to take care of myself, although the cynical pessimist in me says that this was simply a polite thing to say at the time, not anything really meant.

>The earth, because I love it so much.

>Certain people, without whom I would have been utterly lost countless times.

>The dread of screwing up and landing back in that horrible place again with the godawful food that they serve!!!

>Art, not because I think what I make is so fantastic that it's a reason to keep making it....but because making it is therapeutic.

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Speaking of which......once I am finally over this mess, I probably won't be making half as much stuff as I do now. All the pain, all of the feeling ugly, all the intensity, everything.....it all fuels the work. And while I love working with clay, drawing, painting, making stuff, during ordinary times, it isn't something that I typically find the time or energy to do. Right now I do it because I have to in order to stay sane. I don't have a choice about waiting until there's time- if I don't do it, I live in torment until I do.