Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I guess I can't say it was a bad day at work, because it wasn't. It was a fairly good day at work that got crapped on by one person. I cannot stand dealing with passive aggressive people. It is hard enough for me to read social cues as it is. Trying to sort out why that person is acting unrealistically happy/cheerful/nice and then says or does nasty things in very subtle ways is really frustrating. Also I hate getting angry, the rattled nerves, shaking, etc that comes along with getting as angry as she made me. Luckily, it wasn't as angry as it's possible for me to get, because then things would have gotten ugly and I'd be out of a job. But it takes stuff like....well, injustice for one, or seeing someone treat other people badly, etc. A person pretty much has to try to make me really lose it.

But. I told myself that this is the sort of stuff I've encountered before, I can deal with it, do not let her make me lose my job, it isn't worth it, I have to have this job in order to get back on my feet, etc. All those things were true.

And then, I wondered: do I really want to work in a field that is going to have a lot of women? A people centered profession where people have to pretend to be nice all the time? Um. Hmmmm. I am able to work well with other women, but they have to be the down to earth, forthright sorts who are willing to say whatever needs to be said. And certainly there are passive aggressive men too, but it seems that most people like this are women who have squelched their aggression so that this is how they express it.

I know what I want: I want to do things with my hands, to work with earth and animals and colors and plants and quite possibly children. I don't know how to make that happen, realistically. If we had a Camphill Village here, it would be different. But then I'd have to listen to endless drivel about anthroposophy.

I am so glad that my coworkers know so little about me.

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