I have to stop letting this stuff get me down. I love you and there's no point in feeling guilty or ashamed or humiliated about that..... If I were able to feel differently I probably would have by now. Goodness knows this is the worst case I have ever had. :-/

It just hurts so much sometimes. I thought that I'd never be able to feel anything remotely like this for anyone again, thought it had died with him. But you....I don't even have words to express it. Being away from you is like trying to live without breathing. But as long as I can see that you're alive, that you're OK....then I don't panic and I know I'm not crazy and somehow it doesn't hurt half as much.

So...I don't know. For me to find what I thought would never be, and to find it brighter and deeper....and for things to be like this...It's just...life is so cruel. It isn't really anyone's fault, but life is cruel.

I miss you so much and more than the pain, the shame and disgrace of this situation cripples at me, eats away at my self respect...but I have kids. And because I have kids, because I know exactly what it's like not to have a mom.....I have to try to find a way to live and function.