Friday, September 16, 2011

and I miss you beyond words....

and I shouldn't write these things, because i know that they just stack up higher and higher against me, as proof that I am unsafe and horrible because I still feel the same way.

Try to understand though. How can I say that, when I don't understand it myself? Before I fell for you, my gender was always a cross to bear, an inescapable millstone around my neck. I don't know how or why or what (and mostly how, because...well,it just doesn't make any sense), but something about you. For the first time in my life, I felt that it was not only safe to be female, it was nice. And also it was OK to just be myself, but being a woman felt natural and good for a change. All those years...decades...of feeling vulnerable and defensive and afraid...and it just fell away. I felt so safe when I was near you.

And for things to turn like this, it's just cruel. I'm not blaming you...I don't think it's your fault. But god, no. Please, wound me with anyone else, and I'll expect it, I can take it...but please, not with him. my heart was as open as a child's. Please, find another way to hurt me, instead.

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