No, it's more like waking up and finding yourself sitting in the aftermath of some kind of natural disaster. I look around at my life, people ask me what I am going to do...and I honestly do not know what to say. I am speechless on this topic.

I know that I have to sign up for some classes somewhere, or I will lose the 6 month grace period on my student loans. But.....where exactly was I headed, degree wise? I'm not sure I even knew what the hell I was doing. Ugh!!!!

I mean...I have more science credits than I will ever need, because I was headed into botany before realizing that math and chemistry weren't just going to be a long uphill climb (I was prepared for and committed to that), they are virtually impossible for me. I have this really nice IQ and I am somehow totally incapable of it. :-/

So I switched into Fine Art. WTF????? Did I have a long term goal there? I mean, seriously??? The Fine Arts classes didn't mesh with the bus schedule. Perhaps I should have moved to Coeur d'Alene. But.....for whatever foolish reason, I didn't.

Psychology: That's the last place I was headed when life blew up in my face, or when I jumped into life's sewage treatment plant, or whatever the hell you want to call it. It was probably my best chance at getting an actual job, because I suddenly remembered this morning what it was that I had in mind: I wanted to do art therapy, preferably with autistic kids. And now I am left wondering whether a psych degree was the correct direction for me to be going in order to attain that goal, and whether that is truly what I want to do. I don't want to work with groups of kids. One or two or three, OK....I am really more of a one-on-one person, so being an art teacher didn't hold much appeal for me. I also don't want to deal with having to encourage my clients to behave in "appropriate" behaviors and interactions, because generally, it meant that I had to tell that I had to tell them to be inauthentic, that who they were wasn't good enough. They had to strive to be half-hearted imitations of "normal", a status quo that I personally hated myself.

So I am asking myself whether having a commercial orchard and farm is a realistic goal. I am not even sure what degree I would need to go into some sort of therapeutic art with troubled or disabled kids or people. Hmmm.