Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I still love this song....

I made finished a cool drawing today. Experimenting with layering. Typically the first, bottom layer is referred to as an under-drawing. It is sometimes considered to add charm or a sort of history or added depth, when it is retained in watercolor, oil, etc. In ceramics, we don't usually leave any kind of an "under-drawing". The texture of the canvas that the clay was rolled out on is carefully sponged off. No finger marks are retained. The goal seems to be to approximate a piece that looks like it could be industrially made! I don't like that. I try to leave many signs of humanity, of the presence of a maker, on my work. If people want something "perfect", they can go to Walmart or the dollar store.

Why can't I apply that same allowance for imperfection to myself? Why? I guess, because I am haunted and heartbroken by the repeated, relentless blow of not being good enough. Counselors have told me that I am good enough, but I don't believe them anymore, however I might try to smile and nod along with them (how sincere can she be if she's stifling a yawn as she says these things to me???). They're paid to make me feel better regardless of whether or not what they say is valid or true. It doesn't have to be true, I just have to be convinced of it and feel better....But when life continues to deliver an entirely different message, what can you do?

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